Seems you can't even get through describing your own inner turmoil without other folks jumping in to share theirs. Kids these days with their emotional vulnerability and openness to reflection...
The intent here not being to detract or less your experience, but to show that you're not alone, and that we listen and understand.
I failed initial officer training last year, due to a number of reasons (well sure, it was *last year*, everything then had a number of reasons), but the one with the largest lasting impact on me was that I wasn't sure if it was actually a goal I wanted to achieve.
'Success' would mean commitment to a role that I didn't think I'd excel in, and 'failure' would mean potentially finding somewhere I would fit better. It's hard to be motivated to 'succeed' under that mindset. Sure, I had the qualifications and experience necessary, but my passions lay elsewhere.
I was given a second chance, and passed on the second go around, but the doubts from that first failure still linger. It's probably at least once a month where I think 'Why am I trying so hard to do this if I think I'd be better off elsewhere?'
That being said, it's probably more often that I think either 'it was worth it', or less optimistically 'while not perfect, this is the best achievable outcome'.
To put it into other words, just because there are some days where I have an answer to give to the little voice saying "What am I supposed to be doing?", doesn't mean that it stops asking.
From the description you've given us so far, Teague, it seems like you're looking back on things from a place of acceptance - of looking at the aftermath of the storm rather than holding the hatches shut against it. Though I may just be some kid who liked your podcast a decade ago and should rightly hold no importance to your mental wellbeing, I still want to say that I'm glad you're able to put these feelings into words in a way that's causing good and not harm.
Take your time, write what you need to, write what helps you. If you get a few posts in and decide that it's better for this experience not to be recorded, well, you can always delete the thread