Topic: GoDaddy is useless.
I broke the server, ironically, because I was doing disaster recovery stuff.
The good news: everything is fine.
The bad news: GoDaddy didn't even bother to check the server and just spun up a new one, breaking everything, and hijacking our domain. It took me about ~10 minutes to get everything figured out. We'll get friendsinyourhead pointed back here eventually. Use http://downinfront.net for now.
Server daddy breaks stuff, but server daddy fixes it.
-- http://stilldrinking.org/programming-sucks