476

(2,061 replies, posted in Episodes)

A few years ago I briefly dated Ainsley Hayes' real-life counterpart. So as cool a character as she may be, I can't quite like her.

I also worked for a while for the guy Leo's character was based on. He was much cooler.

477

(2,061 replies, posted in Episodes)

TRIBBEY
Did you just walk out of The Pirates of Penzance?

AINSLEY
Sir?

TRIBBEY
"Why, he's an Englishman."

AINSLEY
"He is an Englishman" is from H.M.S. Pinafore.

TRIBBEY
It's from Penzance. Don't tell me about Gilbert and Sullivan. It's from Penzance … or Iolanthe. One of the ones about duty.

AINSLEY
They're all about duty. And it's from Pinafore.

478

(43 replies, posted in Off Topic)

The Exorcist is probably one of … hmm … right now I can think of five genuinely scary movies I've ever seen in my life. Like not "boo" and not "woah creepy" but movies that genuinely made me feel fear.

479

(16 replies, posted in Off Topic)

I just assumed they spirit-gummed a carpet sample to his face.

480

(8 replies, posted in Off Topic)

TOP SECRET

THIS IS A COVER SHEET FOR CLASSIFIED INFORMATION

ALL INDIVIDUALS HANDLING THIS INFORMATION ARE REQUIRED TO PROTECT IT FROM UNAUTHORIZED DISCLOSURE IN THE INTEREST OF THE NATIONAL SECURITY OF THE UNITED STATES.

HANDLING, STORAGE, REPRODUCTION AND DISPOSITION OF THE ATTACHED DOCUMENT WILL BE IN ACCORDANCE WITH THE APPLICABLE EXECUTIVE ORDER(S), STATUTE(S) AND AGENCY IMPLEMENTING REGULATIONS.

(This cover sheet is unclassified.)

TOP SECRET

UTAH JUNO CASPER//NOFORN//NOCONTRACTOR//ORCON//99X2

WARNING

The following document is classified TOP SECRET UTAH JUNO CASPER. If you do not have TOP SECRET UTAH JUNO CASPER clearance, relinquish this document now and report to your unit security officer for debriefing. Failure to observe this notice is a criminal offense punishable by fine or imprisonment for not more than ten years [18 USC 798].

BACKGROUND

[Attachment: A series of grainy, blurry aerial photographs of a major city obscured by smoke and haze. A glowing crater is vaguely visible. A scale reference at the bottom of the page indicates that the crater is approximately 800 yards across.]

Nashville, Tennessee, March 29, 1960. Three hours after event UPSHOT ABLE. Though a full damage assessment could not be made for several weeks due to noöhazardous aftereffects of the event, preliminary estimates put the immediate death toll at 11,950. Subsequent high-altitude surveys of the site revealed a much larger area of effect than previously appreciated. Population impact outside the visible perimeter will never be precisely known, but later analysis established a lower bound of 1.9 million. [c.f. “Memetic and Noögenic Impact Survey A378/UPSHOT ABLE,” 9/9/60, AJC-G-010]

[Attachment: A xerographic copy of a birth certificate issued by the state of Tennessee. The names of the subject and both parents have been blacked out, as have the names of the certifying physician and registrar. The original document was heavily damaged and the parts that aren’t blacked out are completely illegible. Though the quality of the reproduction is poor, it appears as if the paper had begun to rot.]

Document recovered from site DAMASCUS following event HAVE UPPER, part of collection DAMASCUS/19/XH. Despite being removed from the affected area within thirty minutes of HAVE UPPER, the constituents of DAMASCUS/19/XH continued to decay in the observed fashion until being stored in a memetically isolated containment facility at Sewart AFB. Due to the catastrophic nature of event HAVE UPPER, the recovered documents were aggressively redacted immediately after stabilization. This calculated misjudgment resulted in Executive Order 11371. The agent in charge of DAMASCUS site recovery will be eligible for parole in 2024.

[Attachment: Six low-resolution black-and-white photographs of what appears to be a nine-year-old boy in winter clothing, taken with a long lens. A female adult is holding the boy’s hand while they wait at a crosswalk.]

First known photographs of subject A/318γ, taken 12/23/69. The female in the photographs is A/318γ’s mother, designated A/318γ-1. It is reasonable to conclude that the agent who took the photographs went unnoticed by A/318γ, by virtue of the fact that said agent did not die until 1972, and then only of apparently natural causes.

[Attachment: A series of seismograph tracings, time-calibrated, all showing the same spike. On one of the tracings the spike has been circled, with a handwritten note reading “Wow!”]

Indirect evidence of event HANDLE GRID, 8/14/73. Attachments C01, C02 and C03 were recorded 950, 1,120 and 4,400 miles from the epicenter, respectively. Anomalous resonant anisotropy remains unexplained. Hypothesis put forward by Schmidt et al., 1989, was rejected at the time in favor of simple instrument calibration error, but in light of events LIBERTY CANVAS and BUTTON GRABLE, it may be prudent to reconsider.

[Attachment: Three photographs of the interior of what appears to be a restaurant, taken from outside a police cordon. Remains from an indeterminate number of individuals are visible in a well defined ring around a single table. Two unfinished meals are visible.]

Event THREAD BINARY, 1/28/74. Tissue-type analysis subsequently identified nine separate donors, five female and four male. During initial investigation, no evidence of subject A/318γ-92 was found, and she was designated missing. An as-yet unidentified aerosolized substance found coating every horizontal surface at the site of the event matches the DNA profile of A/318γ-92 to a confidence of sixty-five percent.

[Attachment: An interview transcript dated 1/28/74. The name of the interviewer has been redacted and replaced with the handwritten designation “IP-02-δ.” The name of the subject has been redacted.

█████ ████ ███████ (IP-02-δ): State your full name.

██ ████████: ████████ ██████ ██ ████████.

IP-02-δ: Is that Mexican?

██ ████████: Guatemalan. Puerto Barrios.

IP-02-δ: You need a translator?

██ ████████: No. I speak English real good.

IP-02-δ: Can you tell me what happened tonight?

██ ████████: [No response.]

IP-02-δ: Just tell me what you saw.

██ ████████: [No response.]

IP-02-δ: Please answer the question.

██ ████████: I don’t want to talk about it.

IP-02-δ: I need you to describe what you saw.

██ ████████: [Appx. 20 sec. pause before responding.] I want my lawyer.

IP-02-δ: You aren’t under arrest.

██ ████████: I don’t want to talk to you. I want to go home.

IP-02-δ: The sooner you answer my questions, the sooner we’ll let you go home.

██ ████████: [Subject visibly agitated.] You fucking saw it!

IP-02-δ: We didn’t see it happen.

██ ████████: Neither did I.

IP-02-δ: Why are you lying?

██ ████████: I’m not.

IP-02-δ: [No response.]

██ ████████: I want to go home.

IP-02-δ: Answer the question.

██ ████████: [Unintelligible.]

IP-02-δ: What?

██ ████████:צבא השמים פקח את עיניו, הוא כועס

IP-02-δ: What the—

██ ████████:יהיה זה נבון לחשוש מפניו.

IP-02-δ: Goddammit. Jerry, we’re gonna need—

██ ████████:ראיתי את הדרך שהסיפור הזה נגמר, וזה יפה האכזריות שלה יש לי בחטף את המוח של אלוהים, ואני מבין אותו עכשיו אנחנו כמו חרקים

IP-02-δ: [Faint choking sounds.]

██ ████████:אנחנו כמו חרקים

IP-02-δ: [Wet noises and pounding.]

██ ████████:אנחנו כמו חרקים

IP-02-δ: [Gurgling.]

██ ████████:אנחנו כמו חרקים

IP-02-δ: [Silence.]

██ ████████:אתה הרבה יותר יפה כאשר אתה מבפנים החוצה

End of transcript.]

Interview subject designated IS-01-δ was euthanized by Executive Order 11804 2/18/74.

CONCLUSION

It’s clear that subject A/318γ qualifies for UTAH JUNO classification at the very least. We’re obviously dealing with an ADMAH-class entity here, possibly worse. Though the Department should be careful about jumping to conclusions — we all remember incident MINERVA; they’ll still be having hearings about that when the 100th Congress is sworn in — you’d have to be an idiot not to draw a line through UPSHOT ABLE all the way to THREAD BINARY. And frankly, though they’re beyond the scope of this summary, there’s reason to suspect TANGO WHITNEY, CALIPER TWIN and TANGLE KEYHOLE are part of the same pattern.

It is on the basis of this evidence that I recommend the Secretary invoke Protocol SIRACH immediately, subject A/318γ to be redesignated subject ALEPH and classified UTAH JUNO BASTOGNE at minimum. For details on Protocol SIRACH and possible contingency procedures, refer to subsection 68 of the Existential Security Act of 1957 and OPPLANs 1005, 1007 and 1008 and CONPLANs 2402 and 2414, with special emphasis on the discussion of responses to another PATMOS-class scenario.

Signed,

███████ ████ ████████,
Ranking Member,
Senate Armed Services Committee,
Washington, D.C.
3/29/74

[A handwritten note appears on the lower right margin of the last page.

I don’t mind telling you this scares the hell out of me, John. I don’t know what the fuck we’re doing here.
- RMN]

481

(16 replies, posted in Off Topic)

Why do I know this? Seriously, why the fuck do I know this? Why is the fact that the dude's name is Crix Madine in my head?

When I was a kid, I had the novelization of Return of the Jedi. Cheap-ass grocery-store paperback edition, tiny print on paper that was mostly splinters. It must've been in there.

Oh, and Uncle Owen is totally Obi-wan's brother, according to the book.

Anyway, he's always been General Madine to me, but Ackbar's kind of a mushmouth.

482

(21 replies, posted in Off Topic)

I have a shiny nickel that says it's a daylight saving time thing.

483

(2,061 replies, posted in Episodes)

Natalie Wood's last movie? With Chris Walken and Louise Fletcher? I saw that one on HBO when I was little and it scared the shit out of me.

Oh, wait. Upon further (i.e., some) googling, that's "Brainstorm." Which you guys should totally do.

EDIT: Okayfine, I'll actually tell you guys about it, since the odds are fair you've never seen it.

If you've ever seen "Strange Days," "Brainstorm" is basically an accidental prequel. Chris Walken, Natalie Wood and Louise Fletcher are scientists who invent a device that can record thoughts and play them back. The military tries to take over the project, and subsequently one of the scientists suffers a fatal heart attack … but she was using the machine to record her thoughts at the time. The rest of the movie is Walken's quest to watch the recording to see what she saw as she died.

The meta-story's interesting too. The movie was directed by Douglas Trumbull, and he shot big chunks of it in Showscan, intending to show them in 60fps 70mm in cinemas. But Natalie Wood accidentally drowned before the movie was finished, and it sat incomplete for nearly two years, by which time the studios had balked at releasing it in the Showscan format. I think it was ultimately released in regular old 35, though some home video releases played with the aspect ratio a bit.

The vintage special effects are worth a watch, and as I mentioned, the whole visions-of-death aspect of it scared the livin' fuck out of me as a kid.

484

(21 replies, posted in Off Topic)

Dude, it's seven in the morning. It's prime coffee-drinkin', big-thought-thinkin' time.

485

(21 replies, posted in Off Topic)

I mash the play button.

I like the part where the voices come out.

Seriously. I'm an educated fellow. I can speak intelligently on any number of subjects. But when somebody throws words like "Firefox" and "VLC" and "patch the audio from the phone into the soundcard" at me, I feel like I'm a drooling moron who gigglingly eats pudding by the handful.

486

(43 replies, posted in Off Topic)

Yes, I've seen ET, Reservoir Dogs and Blazing Saddles … but I confess that I didn't love any of them.

I have never, however, seen an episode of "Seinfeld."

Does that count as embarrassing?

487

(20 replies, posted in Episodes)

Funnest fact of all: The phrase "Pierced Helmet" made me think of something entirely other than what you intended for it to.

488

(2,061 replies, posted in Episodes)

Yes on one, no on two.

489

(313 replies, posted in Off Topic)

I don't know him personally, but I do know who he is, which I guess makes me all the nerd I need to be.

Oh, right. Top five terrible movies I saw because of a girl.

1. This one the name of which I can't actually remember but it had vampires in it. Or werewolves. If the Asylum made a rip-off of Twilight, it was that.
2. "300." We weren't really dating before we saw it. We sure as hell weren't dating after we saw it.
3. "Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within." My date had slightly less personality than the dead-eyed female lead.
4. "Meet Joe Black." It was our first date. We went with a group. We were the only two out of about seven of us to freely admit how fucking terrible that movie was. Then we went out for burgers and argued about whether to get bacon on the cheese fries.
5. I'm drawing a blank on a fifth, but there was this one porno we rented one time and oh my god it was just awful. Just appalling. Neither good cinema nor good porn.

Top five movies that were widely panned but that you loved, or vice versa.

490

(25 replies, posted in Off Topic)

If we're gonna be like that:

• The Tracey Fragments
• Synecdoche, New York
• Un Chien Andalou
• The Wackness
• Dear Zachary
• American Movie
• Gates of Heaven

(Those last three only if you really love or think you really hate documentaries.)

491

(313 replies, posted in Off Topic)

Name three.

492

(313 replies, posted in Off Topic)

1. Hard Candy (google it)
2. Jaws
3. Forbidden Planet (the one with Robbie holding the girl)
4. The original Tom Jung Star Wars poster
5. Any Saul Bass movie poster for an Otto Preminger film. Start with In Harm's Way, work your way through Bunny Lake is Missing and end up with Anatomy of a Murder and The Man with the Golden Arm.

Top five film composers.

Geez, guys. Manners much? Since nobody else has stated the obvious, I'll go for it:

Goddamn, Cloe.

I was only fourteen. Jennifer Connelly was an exotic and experienced woman of the world to me in those days.

495

(3 replies, posted in Off Topic)

I know it's kind of camp, with all the bunting and the fireworks, but to be honest, whenever the band strikes up "Stars and Stripes Forever" I find myself getting all—

Oh.

You meant the movie.

Meh. To be honest, if it weren't for the fact that the Star Wars rerelease trailer ran in front of it, I probably never would have seen it. But I did, and it was what it was. I think it struck a fair balance between taking itself just seriously enough and jamming its tongue way back into its cheek. On the one hand, you've got the big action set pieces and Will Smith playing it absolutely straight and Bill Pullman giving his St. Crispin's Day speech. On the other, it's got Harvey Fierstein, for chrissakes. It's fun for the whole family.

I think the more interesting question is why Independence Day works and a movie like, say, Godzilla so doesn't.

I haven't seen Labyrinth — not Pan's, the first one — in years, so I'd need to go back and watch it before speaking intelligently about it. But in the interest of spamming up the forum and just generally being a pain, I'll share two things about that movie that have stuck with me ever since.

First: Jennifer Connelly in that movie literally got me through puberty.

Second: I can't explain it, and I don't know why, but for some reason Ludo is just an awesome character. The very first thing I did when I read this thread title was involuntarily belt out, in the voice and everything, "SMELL BAD!" Ludo's awesome. I love Ludo.

But honestly? I think my affection for the film mostly springs from point one.

497

(43 replies, posted in Off Topic)

I fucking loved "There Will Be Blood." I thought it was magnificently riveting, and the fridge brilliance factor was terrific.

Adam Sandler, though … I'm probably drawing a blank right now, but the only movie with him in it that I remember enjoying at all was the remake of "The Longest Yard," but that's mostly because I'm a sucker for movies about football. "Punch Drunk Love," in particular, I had to turn off. I just couldn't handle it. Sandler's performance was so intense. Terrifyingly intense. And not like "wow, that's great" either. It was deeply unsettling for me. That might be a personal thing with me, though, I dunno.

498

(313 replies, posted in Off Topic)

Funny you should mention that. I'm reading "Lord of the Rings" right now, specifically because I decided I wanted, finally, to have read it. And you know what? Once you get up to the Council of Elrond part, it's actually surprisingly good. (I'm up to the Treebeard bit in "The Two Towers.")

It's pretty clear, though, that Tolkein had no freakin' idea what he was doing for the first few hundred pages. Everything before Weathertop is just agony.

And yeah. I can't help feeling responsible for failing to keep the thread going.

499

(313 replies, posted in Off Topic)

I think it was Mark Twain who said that a classic is any book that no one wants to read but that everyone wants to have read.

500

(301 replies, posted in Episodes)

Little-known fact: Everything Teague says on the show is carefully scripted by a staff of young writers — he pays peanuts but promises fame to the naive and the optimistic — and focus-group tested extensively before every episode. Go back and listen to some of the older shows. You can clearly hear him struggling with the teleprompter. Plus I think every once in a while his staff will insert typos into his script just to mess with him during the show. Funny, but a dangerous business. Teague's temper is legendary. Literally. There are legends.