Okay, since we're on the subject (kind of), here's how I feel about Resurrection:

It was a half-decent episode of "Firefly."

I have no inside info about how much of Whedon's script survived the production process intact. But the line between Resurrection's motley crew and the gang from his later TV work is pretty straight, seems to me.

I have this theory. Any movie with either Dan Hedaya or Abe Vigoda in it cannot, by definition, be a bad movie. ("Joe vs. the Volcano," therefore, is a masterpiece of postwar cinema, and I'll tolerate no dissent on that point.) Alien Resurrection has Dan Hedaya in it, and he is marvelous, and he gives us the series' most fundamentally fucked-up-creepy moment. Yes, I'm referring to where he reaches up, pulls out a still-warm piece of his own brain and stoically contemplates it. I still have nightmares, man.

So by the Hedaya-Vigoda Law, Alien Resurrection cannot be a bad movie. But it's not a good movie either. Because it's not really about anything. There are some guys, and a weirdo half-breed chick who plays basketball very well and has emo nailpolish, and a gratuitous thong shot, and some aliens, and … well, that's really about it. It's got clever moments, but no actual theme to speak of, which is what makes it different from the other three movies in the series.

So above-average monster movie, really appallingly awful "Alien" movie.

I think "ingenious" is exactly the right word for it. Like or dislike it, I think we can all agree that Orci and Kurtzman's approach was damn clever.

And speaking as somebody who's five-foot-seven on a humid day, fuck yoooooooooooou.

Remember, kids: Hyperbole kills.

See, Teague, some of us are grown ups who have to be responsible on weeknights.

Seriously thought, I'm sorry I missed it. I was all sleepy and whatnot. Next time, though. NEXT TIIIIIIME.

Perhaps the sign is in braille for those who are vision-impaired.

You forgot

/downinfront.net/bluehippiecats.mp3

Sooooooooooooooo dirty.

Rats? You get rats? Rats have protein and vitamins. Rats are luxury compared to how I've been air-quotes feeding myself lo these many months.

I could kill for a good rat right about now.

Mmm. Rat.

Did Cameron ever do a commentary for "Titanic?" I've got an old DVD I bought in the 90s sometime, and I think it's pretty bare-bones. I'm pretty sure it's not even an anamorphic transfer.

Getting back to the point, though … I really don't understand the strong negative reactions I've heard to "Avatar" over the past few months. I'm not saying this is typical or anything, and I'm not suggesting that you guys are gonna do this, but I've heard people get downright vitriolic about how awful that movie was. And these are people who knowingly and with intent sat through "Transformers 2."

I can totally understand being disappointed in a movie, if you were hoping for something other than what you saw. I can also understand just plain disliking a movie for reasons you can't adequately articulate. And speaking as somebody who really doesn't like "Batman Begins" at all for reasons that make perfect sense to me but that nobody else seems to share, I can especially understand holding what you think is a rational, sensible opinion that happens to be in the severe minority.

But I don't get the hate.

Maybe I'll come out the other side of next week's commentary at least understanding why you guys disliked it, even if I remain unpersuaded. Like Brian and "Star Trek" but without all the name-calling and throwing of crockery and subsequent court-mandated counseling.

Do you really think everybody thinks about that kind of thing? Cause kidding aside, I totally do. Like … often. It's a favorite daydream, along with the one where I wake up seven years old again.

Have you ever watched that show "Survivorman?" I don't think it's being made any more, but it was a staple on the various Discovery Channel-type channels for a while there. This guy would get himself dropped off alone in the middle of absolutely nowhere with just the clothes on his back and a set of tiny camcorders, and he'd film himself surviving and making his way to civilization. I've probably seen every episode three times — except the one where he decided to bring a friend along on the adventure. That spoiled the whole notion for me. Cause what's the point of being alone, cut off from the things of man, if you bring a friend? Friends mean conversation at times when you want to be silent, and eventual arguments about whose turn it is to spear down the jaguar, and next thing you know you're up to your elbows in gore and seriously considering learning what human flesh tastes like grilled.

Honestly, I think I'd be okay if I were the last man on earth. Yeah, I'd get lonely eventually, but I think I'd get over it. Every time I longed for the sound of another human voice, I think I'd just remember that I don't have to follow any goddamn rules any more, and that'd cheer me right up.

But then, sooner or later … sigh. It's inevitable, and I can't deny it. Eventually I'd get a toothache. I figure anything else I could deal with. Appendicitis? Well, either I'm gonna live or I'm gonna die; it's not like I can perform surgery on my own abdomen and expect to survive. Broken leg? Same deal. Either I live or I die. But a toothache, that's the kind of pain that's enough to make me wanna die. And there's just nothing I'd be able to do about it on my own.

Hm. Maybe I need to do a little reading on amateur self-dentistry. Just in case.

Hemingway's shortest story was only six words long.

"For sale: Baby shoes. Never worn."