I just watched Burton's "Alice" yesterday, coincidentally … and god, what a mess that was. The lead actress was charismatic as all hell, but even she couldn't save it.

New forum rule. Whenever anybody asks for a "Serenity" podcast, that person has to put a buck in the tip jar.

Night-creatures spawn in darkness, not just in outdoor darkness. If your mine isn't fully lit, it's gonna be crawling with unwelcome guests within minutes.

Yeah, but … Aladdin? Seriously?

I'm not seeing nearly enough socks here. Seriously. You can deal with a lot of hardship in this world as long as you have dry socks.

So more socks.

Also … on the subject of medical supplies. We need some improvement here. You're obviously going to want a wide variety of bandages, and plenty of tape. Basically you should be prepared for anything from a nasty scrape to a traumatic below-the-knee amputation. (There's no point in preparing for a traumatic above-the-knee amputation; once the femoral artery is breached, you won't have time to complain much before the cold dark.)

Also, these. Trauma scissors. Best thing in the world for cutting off clothing, or for cutting bandages.

Once you've bandaged yourself up, you're going to need to deal with blood loss to stave off hypovolemic shock. Stock up on IV starter kits, and as many saline, D5 and banana bags as you can carry (which unfortunately won't be that many; that shit's heavy).

Now comes the time when you're going to have to put some stitches in. Get ahold of a large stock of prepared disposable sutures; they come in little sterile packs slightly bigger than a condom. Each one has a length of suture material pre-adhered to a needle of various gauges. They're kind of medieval, but if you can only stock one kind, get the episiotomy kits. The needles are quite large, and easy to drive when you're in a shit-just-got-real situation.

In the pre-apocalypse period (brief though it may be) spend some time googling up suture techniques. Practice the shit out of driving and tying sutures one-handed. Why? Cause sooner or later you're gonna need to suture your hand, dumbass.

For anything more serious than a healthy laceration, you're going to want basic surgical supplies: disposable scalpels, hemostats, mayo scissors, dissecting forceps. In the post-zombie environment, a good-sized splinter can lead to a fatal staph infection, so be prepared to dig foreign bodies out of your pink, supple flesh. Pack betadine for this. It's cheap, it comes in bottles that are easy to transport, and it can make the difference between life and death.

And fuck it. Might as well pack a bone saw as well. Google Aron Ralston, then let us speak no more of this.

Now on to the subject of post-op care. Take that ibuprofen you so carefully packed and cram it up your ass, for all the good it'll do. Replace it with aspirin. That'll take care of almost all pains, as long as you're not a pussy. If you're a little bit of a pussy, pack a stash of COX-2 inhibitors: Celebrex, Vioxx, drugs in those families. Those drugs will take most pain out for drinks, seduce it and leave it crying in the morning.

For the real deal, though, there's no way around it: You're gonna need some morphine. Get the single-use syrettes; when your hands are shaking and you're getting tunnel-vision from the blood loss, you don't want to have to try to load and inject a reusable syringe.

If you're carrying morphine, you must also carry naloxone. It's a morphine agonist, and you're going to need it on that occasion when you can't remember if you injected two syrettes or three, and you're not ready to take the easy way out yet.

Next, load up on antibiotics. You'll need several kinds. Pack a penicillin-type, like augmentin. Then pack a cephalosporin like cefaclor, because it works on penicillin-resistant bugs. Then pack a fluoroquinolone like cipro to use on the stuff that neither the penicillins nor the cephalosporins will kill.

You're gonna want metronidazole for protozoans, and mebendazole for parasites. Antifungals and antivirals will be a luxury.

Now for the really fun stuff: Oil of cloves. If you know what that is, you know where I'm going with this, and odds are fair you're already cringing. Pack your oil of cloves next to your extraction forceps, then try your damnedest to forget they're there until you absolutely need them. Then, when you do, man the fuck up, tear out your own infected tooth, pack the socket with gauze and try to go on with your life.

Finally, a high note: Bring pregnancy tests, and obstetric forceps, a cord clamp and a suction bulb. Because life — we all hope and pray — goes on.

You're a raw deal.

TIME TRAVELER! GET HIM! I am going to have been about to fear the future.

OH GOD. IT'S … IT'S THROBBING. I am disturbed.

You're out of the club.

I think he drops a "bitch" after the not-rhino charged him during the first jungle trip. Something along the lines of, "That's right, bitch, run back to momma."

And now that I think of it, I think Trudy says "bitch" during the big fight scene, used in basically the same sense. Could be wrong, though. I'm too lazy to pull out the movie and check.

Point being, the language was *relatively* tame to begin with. Bitch.

So it's agreed, then, that Teague needs to bake us all cake?

Good meeting, everybody.