1. The plot. Ten minutes in, I gave up trying to figure out wtf was happening. There was a war (?) and two sisters wanted to impress their father but they weren't sisters and he wasn't their father and they actually hated him and each other too so they had a fight that nobody won. There were also eleven different bad guys who were sometimes good guys and one bad guy was only in one scene so I guess he'll be in a sequel, and seven crystals that rule the universe or something and holy fuckballs, movie, what the hell ARE you doing?
I suspect if I was familiar with the comics I might have said ah, yes, yes, this is all very familiar and makes perfect sense. But coming into it cold, I didn't understand a damn thing. More than one review has called the movie "overstuffed" and that's a very good word. The good news is, it didn't matter. Everyone wanted the Magic 8-Ball, that was all the plot I really needed to know.
And if that had been my only problem I still might have loved the movie. But:
2. That damn raccoon. Hated hated hated that raccoon. On the PAGE he was hilarious but I couldn't get past the animation and the voice.
It was a red flag when I heard Bradley Cooper was going to do the voice of an animated thing in this movie. Bradley Cooper is a fine actor from all reports. But - like Brad Pitt and Catherine Zeta Jones and other movie stars that have been miscast as cartoon voices - you look at Bradley Cooper, you don't listen to him.
At least he was trying to do a character voice here, and it wasn't terrible, but it was basically a Denis Leary impression, so why not get Denis Leary? There's a reason those Ice Age movies keep making money, even though nobody would make a live action movie starring those same actors. They have distinctive, cartoon-ready character voices. Bradley Cooper, not so much.
And even the voice I might have dealt with, but there was something about the animation that I just couldn't. I'd have to watch it multiple times to maybe put my finger on it - and obviously I'm pickier about character animation than most folks - but I just cringed every time Rocket was on screen. He was rendered just fine, and like the voice the animation wasn't terrible by any means. But there was just something off about him for me. Consistently.
Rocket worked for me for exactly ONE WORD in the movie. And I'll bet you that one word got a laugh in your theater the same way it did in mine - because that one word was when the animation and the voice both totally worked. The word was "minutiae", and I bet you remember that moment, too.
Again, I'm a tough audience for animated photo-real characters, but in my defense Rocket was the only character that I had that problem with. Meanwhile, I kept forgetting Groot was ALSO an animated character. I loved Groot, he never DIDN'T work for me - and as for his voice, if all Vin Diesel ever did in his career was The Iron Giant and Groot, I'd still give him a star on the Walk of Fame. Perfection. I goddamn teared up when he wove that survival basket firefly lifeboat dealie. Fuckin' Groot. Who knew?
