• From: Red Deer, AB
  • Registered: 2009-11-23
  • Posts: 4,044
  • User Karma: 664

Topic: Alright guys, I need a focus group

So in the vein of the self learning I've been doing this week on here I thought I'd throw this one out there for you guys to pick apart. (Or in other words....I NEED YOUR HEEEEEELP)

So heres the situation, I'm about to start my second year at Vancouver Film School (3D Animation and Visual Effects)...this is the big one, this is what really counts. So I've already started planning for my final project for this year. I've started concept designs and have a first draft of the script completed. Which I think works pretty well...but then I also thought that about my last project...which you guys proceeded to tear to shreds (And rightfully so btw). Which brings us to the now.

I want to get your guys opinions on this project. Mostly so I can get as many eyes as possible on it to pick it apart and make it as awesome as possible, but also because I think we've all identified a major issue with me in that I rely waaaay to heavily on my own back story when creating my pieces (and this is no exception) and don't properly use it in the actual piece.

So I'm here to learn, rip and tear away!

Have Fun

(Just a note: This is meant to be a sort of teaser trailer that would be promoting for the actual show, while at the same time feeling like it's own self contained thing. Basically I wanted to try to do a trailer with having to just do the whole montage of explosions and crying people thing.)

Thanks!

ZangrethorDigital.ca

BigDamnArtist's Website

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  • Registered: 2010-05-23
  • Posts: 39

Re: Alright guys, I need a focus group

Granted, I don't know anything about what this is or where it's going, it read alright to me. Me being a grammar whore, I noticed a few little things (choose either "Within a split second..." or "In a blur of motion..." not both, confuses the image) but it sounds pretty cool.

Only omission I'd gripe about is that as I was reading it, it felt more like I was watching a videogame trailer than a show trailer though it works as both.

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  • Registered: 2010-01-26
  • Posts: 847
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Re: Alright guys, I need a focus group

There were no shreds. You are loved.

I struggled with this, a little bit, because the prose was more purpley than I'm used to seeing in a screenplay. You've obviously got a really clear vision in your head, which is good.

On second read, I think I got the basic gist of it. Tell me if I'm right: Hot female war vet gets mugged, turns out to be cyborg. Is that pretty much it?

I know I'm not doing your vision justice, but I'm not trying to; I'm trying to boil it down.

The opening space shots and the re-entry are probably the raison d'être for this story, right? Cause it's a visual effects piece. So suggesting that it transplanted to a jaded waif of a girl walking home from a dive bar and getting rolled in an alley would probably be counter-productive. Also that would so be the "Buffy" elevator pitch.

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  • From: Buffalo, NY
  • Registered: 2010-01-08
  • Posts: 2,037
  • User Karma: 202

Re: Alright guys, I need a focus group

I have to admit my ending of the scene would have a shot come out from the ship killing the thief, as the real narrator walked out of the hatch her decoy having proved necessary smile

It doesn't seem back story heavy, as it's a teaser's job to present the viewer with details there's no answer for with the promise that such answers will be coming if you plop down your money. For example, "They say war changes a person". I'd assume that means the robot once was fully human, and that's the story I'd expect to see.

I write stories! With words!
http://www.asstr.org/~Invid_Fan/

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  • From: Red Deer, AB
  • Registered: 2009-11-23
  • Posts: 4,044
  • User Karma: 664

Re: Alright guys, I need a focus group

@ JackalBane: Will do, I wasn't really sure about that when I wrote it but I thought I'd leave it in and see if anyone said anything tongue And yeah, thats one of the things I've noticed do research for these types of things (trailers). Video games tend to be more cinematic, whereas movies just tend to be a mashup of all the best bits.

@Jeff: Hehe, I'm still trying to find my own voice when writing a screenplay and I tend to let myself go even wilder when writing something like this. But you got the basic gist of it.

Essentially, one side of a pointless war (the more tech savvy side) starts to take some of their best soldiers and make them even better with tech upgrades and things like that. So hence why even though the war has been over for so long she still looks so young and can't die from a single gunshot wound etc etc, and all the fun stuff like that. And now that the war is over she effectively has no purpose in the new worlds (yes plural), but she's not the kind of gal to go off and committ sepuku over a little thing like that so she tries to scrape out a new existence for herself.

I've got about a page of other backstory to this world if you want it, but it looks like my rewrite after Dorkmans post did some good if you arn't lost in it.

The opening shots were definitely the first shots I had envisioned, yes, and I really really love them, so basically yeah, waif not so much. Plus I'm really starting to love this whole Firefly meets Dollhouse finale thing I've got going on.

@Invid:...I can't tell if you're joking or not hmm

As far as what the series would actually be about...the way I'm envisioning it right now would be taking place several years after the war has finished, people have started to rebuild, and it's about Qwin and another crew of black market runners (maybe, this is still kinda fuzzy) trying to survive in this new world after fighting for so long. And then, they'd probably meet at some point and have cake, and all sorts of happy fun times would ensue.



Thanks guys! Keep em comin if you got em.

ZangrethorDigital.ca

BigDamnArtist's Website

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  • From: places where photons don't go
  • Registered: 2010-04-20
  • Posts: 578
  • User Karma: 100

Re: Alright guys, I need a focus group

I'm getting a very Firefly-esque vibe from this, is that intentional?

"ShadowDuelist is a god."
        -Teague Chrystie

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  • From: Red Deer, AB
  • Registered: 2009-11-23
  • Posts: 4,044
  • User Karma: 664

Re: Alright guys, I need a focus group

That is intensely intentional.

ZangrethorDigital.ca

BigDamnArtist's Website

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  • From: Florida
  • Registered: 2009-12-01
  • Posts: 703
  • User Karma: 27

Re: Alright guys, I need a focus group

ShadowDuelist wrote:

I'm getting a very Firefly-esque vibe from this, is that intentional?

I was thinking the same thing.  The only quibble I have is that a vehicle re-entering atmosphere would fire it's engines before it makes contact, certainly not during re-entry.  'Course if you have a Serenity type engine layout you can get away with that kind of thing, just 'cause it looks cool.

So will this be an all CG thing or a combination?

Matt Vayda's Website

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  • From: Red Deer, AB
  • Registered: 2009-11-23
  • Posts: 4,044
  • User Karma: 664

Re: Alright guys, I need a focus group

Hmm alright, and her engines will have a similar layout to Serenity, so I'll have to play with it and see what works. I'm going to try o get a rough sketch of the ship design I have now thrown up in a few days and get your guys' thoughts on it. I need to redesign some stuff, because it's still much to reminiscent of Serenity for my liking. (Damn you Joss and your logical ship layout!)

The way I'm envisioning it right now will be a combination of live action and CG. With the people being live action, with the main set (The roof) being a dressed up parkade or something similar with a matte painting background and set extensions. And then everything else will be CG.

ZangrethorDigital.ca

BigDamnArtist's Website

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  • From: Norway
  • Registered: 2009-12-01
  • Posts: 1,472
  • User Karma: 251

Re: Alright guys, I need a focus group

I like it. I've never watched Firefly, so I can't exactly see any similarities, but I like it.
It did, however, feel like an intro to a short film, and not like a teaser or trailer.

Then again, when you look at the Force Unleashed 2/Old republic trailers, they do this kind of thing too. So yeah, like some here already said, it has that videogame feel to it as well.

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