Note: This is not spam.
Wobbly black-and-white footage of people screaming at their computer over a cheap rip-off of shower-murder music from 'Psycho'.
Has your forum been overrun by evil spammers? Are you terrified of touching your computer in case you accidentally purchase cheap Colombian Viagra, brought to you in tax-resistant packaging by willing Ukrainian virgins?
Does the very thought of this keep you up at night?
Well, now you can be free of forum fear forever!
Wipe, with magic-wand transition, to brightly-coloured faces grinning at their computer over 'Morning' from 'Peer Gynt'. After a few seconds, a familiar face steps into view.
Hello, I'm Angela Lansbury. You might remember me from such documentaries as Murder She Wrote and Bedknobs and Broomsticks. Despite my extensive knowledge of murdering and bedknobs, you might be surprised to learn that my forum was once as overrun by evil spammers as yours.
Then, one day, I had a vision. After that, I asked my good friend, and noted computer expert, Dr H.V. Patel of the Ronco/Patel Institute, Bangalore, India, if he could release me from my prison of evil spam.
And he did! Here's how.
Close-up of videos of prisons repeatedly exploding on a web page as hunky voice-over booms out.
With the BAN-O-MAT 5000, the nightmare of spam on your forum is at an end!
BAN-O-MAT 5000 uses state-of-the-art computer submarines to literally blow your spam away, leaving only a gleaming colour-of-your-choice forum behind!
BAN-O-MAT 5000 is based on advanced commuting aneurysms that search and destroy spam messages by identifying key phrases like "Note: This is not spam", "Would you like me to suck your", and "Help me, I'm being held in a Turkish prison".
Your friends will come to admire your forum's new-found spamlessness, and, by extension, your sexual prowess, all achieved without the need for cheap Colombian Viagra, thanks to BAN-O-MAT 5000!
CALL NOW, and, while munitions last, get the BAN-O-MAT 5000 HOME PLUS PAK, absolutely free! The HOME PLUS PAK includes not one, but two RONCO DRONE-O-MAT 5000 evil-seeking missiles! With its built-in HD-ready camera, E-Z-BLAM! targeting system, and free one-megabyte memory card, you can record your evil spammer's fiery destruction, to watch AGAIN and AGAIN.
Scene of devastated building over 'O Fortuna!' from 'Carmina Burana'. A dismembered hand is visible in the foreground clutching a CD labelled 'EVIL SPAM'. After a few seconds, a familiar face steps into view.
I'm still Angela Lansbury. Thanks to Indian ingenuity, and Ronco's low, low price on surplus weaponry, I can once again sleep at night.
If you'd like to join me, call now. Operators are standing by.
