Topic: The Hyacinth Disaster

Hey, pals. So I've done the best I can without more sets of eyes on the script. If anyone feels like critiquing the hell out of something, here's the link to the first two 'episodes':

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1Er6 … sp=sharing

You can comment directly in the document (highlight a word or line and click the comment button) or give general feedback here.
Be as general or as specific as you wish.

For anyone who still wants to do a voice, give this a read and let me know who you'd like to play. Every role is on the table. I did what I could to make sure the characters sound different, but, like I said, feedback would be best.

PS I'm very open to suggestions for a better title.

Witness me!

Thumbs up Thumbs down

Re: The Hyacinth Disaster

I think this might help: if you're looking to give just general feedback, here's a few points you can affirm or deny.

1) I tried to make the characters sound and behave different

2) I tried to avoid "as-you-know" dialogue while also giving the audience enough info to figure out what's going on. Characters should talk about things in a way that people might.

3) It should be fairly obvious what emotions are being conveyed by each line, based on context and word choice. Parenthetical "director" stuff should be almost completely unnecessary.

4) The story should make sense. Obviously.

If you don't know what to look for, let me know how these points are met, and I will work on what needs it. Thanks!

Witness me!

Thumbs up Thumbs down

Re: The Hyacinth Disaster

I like it. It read great in my head, the story and setting were easy to follow and the characters were all working. My only real quibble: it's really unclear to me just how crunched for time they are, they seem to be in a hurry but at the same time feel like they have plenty of time. Also the rate at which Dreadnought is drilling through dense rock with subpar gear seems a little outrageous.

"ShadowDuelist is a god."
        -Teague Chrystie

Thumbs up +1 Thumbs down

Re: The Hyacinth Disaster

Two excellent points. I totally agree. I'll probably throw in a line or two about how much faster it'd be going with better equipment. Just to give a proper scale.

Dunno how to fix the time crunch issue yet, although I see what you mean...would you be able to pinpoint something in particular that defused it for you?

Witness me!

Thumbs up Thumbs down

Re: The Hyacinth Disaster

Dang. I really, really like it. Tension seemed right to me (though I know it's a live document and I know it's probably been updated since Shadow read it), as did timing. And I was totally invested, to the point where I started skimming lines looking for brown after the last squealer.

As far as what they're doing and it making sense, it totally works. Ransom money for the Corvus crew, right? (Might be wrong on the ship name.)

Hell yes I want to be a part of this. Argus or Blue, maybe. Blue's nervous chatter and sarcasm are kinda my archetype, so I'd be fine playing that or doing someone else against type. If you want I can read an "audition" page for a few so you can cast me as you see fit.

Last edited by Boter (2016-06-21 15:07:32)

Boter, formerly of TF.N as Boter and DarthArjuna. I like making movies and playing games, in one order or another.

Re: The Hyacinth Disaster

Boter wrote:

If you want I can read an "audition" page for a few so you can cast me as you see fit.

Probably best! Pick a couple scenes that have interchanges between the characters and have at it.

Send it to me at writhyn@gmail.com

Witness me!

Thumbs up Thumbs down

Re: The Hyacinth Disaster

Writhyn wrote:

Two excellent points. I totally agree. I'll probably throw in a line or two about how much faster it'd be going with better equipment. Just to give a proper scale.

At one point he drills through 20 meters in the time it takes to say 3 words. Unless there's meant to be dead air there, that's hella fast.

Writhyn wrote:

Dunno how to fix the time crunch issue yet, although I see what you mean...would you be able to pinpoint something in particular that defused it for you?

It's just, at one point they get called to come back immediately, then they just keep doing what they would have done anyway. In fact, they drill through an extra 200 meters of rock then they intended too. Which they do fast enough that I wonder why they didn't just drill it in the first place. Maybe if they decided to toss aside safety practices and attempt something much faster but really risky after they get the call?

Oh, and here's a punny title suggestion: "This is just a drill"

Last edited by ShadowDuelist (2016-06-22 01:58:51)

"ShadowDuelist is a god."
        -Teague Chrystie

Thumbs up +1 Thumbs down

Re: The Hyacinth Disaster

Episode 2: You Know the Drill.

Boter, formerly of TF.N as Boter and DarthArjuna. I like making movies and playing games, in one order or another.

Re: The Hyacinth Disaster

ShadowDuelist wrote:

At one point he drills through 20 meters in the time it takes to say 3 words. Unless there's meant to be dead air there, that's hella fast.

Yup. Dead air. I'll have to do a read through to see how much a pause I can get away with considering the tension.

ShadowDuelist wrote:

It's just, at one point they get called to come back immediately, then they just keep doing what they would have done anyway. In fact, they drill through an extra 200 meters of rock then they intended too. Which they do fast enough that I wonder why they didn't just drill it in the first place. Maybe if they decided to toss aside safety practices and attempt something much faster but really risky after they get the call?

Aha. Yup. You're right. While the time-scale is mentioned to have been shortened (going from 4 hours to less than 1) I totally get why it doesn't seem to make much of a difference.
But your suggestion that they specifically toss safety aside is freakin perfect! It will escalate the tension, and give them a likely explanation when things go wrong. Self-blame ensues, Drama! Excitement! Conflict!
Thanks, man!

Witness me!

Thumbs up Thumbs down

Re: The Hyacinth Disaster

Here's the current state of my sci-fi radio drama: end of each episode is a link to the next one, if anyone else feels like commenting. I welcome all criticism. I may not implement it, but I welcome it.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1Er6 … sp=sharing

Witness me!

Thumbs up Thumbs down

Re: The Hyacinth Disaster

Loving it so far! Left comments in the first three episodes.

Boter, formerly of TF.N as Boter and DarthArjuna. I like making movies and playing games, in one order or another.

Re: The Hyacinth Disaster

Thanks! I'll probably put out for comments one more time once I edit and tighten as much as I can. But the interim advice is super helpful.

I can't wait to record this!

Witness me!

Thumbs up Thumbs down

Re: The Hyacinth Disaster

I can;t wait to hear it - or also record if I made the cut wink

Boter, formerly of TF.N as Boter and DarthArjuna. I like making movies and playing games, in one order or another.

Re: The Hyacinth Disaster

Episode 4 is done!
Boter, if you want to find out what happens to your character, give it a read.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1egq … sp=sharing

Witness me!

Thumbs up Thumbs down

Re: The Hyacinth Disaster

:'( You monster.

Boter, formerly of TF.N as Boter and DarthArjuna. I like making movies and playing games, in one order or another.

Re: The Hyacinth Disaster

If you can pull off that scene, you're hired*


(*metaphorically. I don't have money.)

Witness me!

Thumbs up Thumbs down

Re: The Hyacinth Disaster

I've yet to survive to the end of a series (insofar as voice acting goes, though admittedly my resume isn't extensive). My sister just called me Sean Bean. I might be okay with this.

Anyway, remember how we were talking about recording together if possible because of playing off of each other with conversations? That scene is definitely an exception, though I'd want to be on call with you for direction.

Boter, formerly of TF.N as Boter and DarthArjuna. I like making movies and playing games, in one order or another.

Re: The Hyacinth Disaster

Yeah makes sense. We'll figure it out when it comes time to record. I'm shooting for having the script ready by thanksgiving.

And I'll have to figure out how Teague wants to do it (if he's still in).

Witness me!

Thumbs up Thumbs down

Re: The Hyacinth Disaster

I've been a distracted person, but I'm always down to record some dialogue for a thing.

Teague Chrystie

I have a tendency to fix your typos.

Thumbs up Thumbs down

Re: The Hyacinth Disaster

Thanks! I'm still working, so I'll give you plenty of heads-up before the time comes.

Witness me!

Thumbs up Thumbs down

Re: The Hyacinth Disaster

Oh I hope Teague plays Grimm, that'd be hella fun to play off of tongue

Boter, formerly of TF.N as Boter and DarthArjuna. I like making movies and playing games, in one order or another.

Re: The Hyacinth Disaster

Lol I'm currently thinking of casting him as Dreadnought

Witness me!

Thumbs up +1 Thumbs down

Re: The Hyacinth Disaster

BTW, since I'm not sure if I ever officially did say... I'm down for voices. I've been only half keeping an eye on this, so not sure where you are with casting and shiz, but count me in as etc's if ya need em or a main if you need it.

I'm sure you know where to go to find ample samples of my voice tongue

My movies: ZangrethorDigital.ca
Let's plays: youtube.com/bigdamnartist
Other movie thing I do: youtube.com/BullskitComedy

Re: The Hyacinth Disaster

I'm still not sure who's voicing Eric Temple (the recording from the beginning and a brief speaking part at the end).

my email is writhyn@gmail.com

If you want, get in touch with me and we'll see if that would be a good fit.

Witness me!

Thumbs up Thumbs down

Re: The Hyacinth Disaster

BigDamnArtist wrote:

I'm sure you know where to go to find ample samples of my voice tongue

BigDamnArtist wrote:

find ample samples of my voice

BigDamnArtist wrote:

ample samples

Boter, formerly of TF.N as Boter and DarthArjuna. I like making movies and playing games, in one order or another.