376 Topic by Dorkman

(3 replies, posted in Movie Stuff)

I saw INTO DARKNESS as the second half of a double feature, paired with the previous STAR TREK film, which relaunched the franchise with a sexy new crew and sleek new look. I figured it wouldn't hurt to refamiliarize myself with the new continuity, since the new film would presumably make reference to and build off the events of its predecessor.

While I'm glad to have had the chance to see the 2009 film once more on the big screen -- it's still a lot of fun -- it turns out I needn't have worried about missing any references or callbacks. STAR TREK INTO DARKNESS is not just self-referential -- it's self-consciously referential, with characters all but turning to the camera to make sure we caught the reference each time they make one. Which they do constantly.

One of my favorite websites for learning the craft of writing is Wordplayer, the website of Ted Elliot and Terry Rossio (PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN). They go years sometimes without posting new articles, but when they do it's always worth it, and the archives are always worth reading and re-reading. In one of their articles they talk about the off-screen movie, the sense that the characters are coming from somewhere and going to somewhere in between the scenes we actually see on the screen. The sense that they have a life beyond the plot.

There is no sense of an off-screen movie having occurred between STAR TREK and STAR TREK INTO DARKNESS. Any references the crew might make to previous adventures are all to the single adventure to which we were also privy, as though they have absolutely nothing else to talk about or reminisce over. I find this hard to believe. I can't even go to Disneyland for a day with my roommates without coming back with half a dozen inside jokes and anecdotes.

Hell, even George Lucas understood this. Ham-fisted as they were, Obi-Wan and Anakin made offhand references to off-screen adventures ("Who rescued you from that pit of gundarks?"; "That business on Cato Nemoidia doesn't… doesn't count"), giving their relationship a sense of time and depth.

Really, that's enough said right there: STAR TREK INTO DARKNESS had me looking wistfully back on the character development of the STAR WARS prequels. Good Christ.

I can't discuss the story (such as it is) in any depth without getting into spoilers, so… yeah. Spoilers from here on out.

---------------------------

Right, so Benedict Cumberbatch is Khan. Not "basically" Khan -- literally Khan. As in WRATH OF KHAN. His character starts out with the alias John Harrison, but that's really just so they could put John Harrison on the callsheets in the entirely vain hope of throwing the internets off the trail. In a dramatic scene (which, to his credit, Cumberbatch nails) he reveals he's really Khan.

Now, I know that WRATH OF KHAN being the greatest sci-fi movie of all time is one of the Five Pillars of Nerdslam, but personally I've never really clicked with it. It's a fine movie, no doubt, but I'm not offended at the very temerity of reimagining it.

What I am is disappointed. Abrams' first STAR TREK went to great lengths to establish that we were now dealing with an alternate timeline, jettisoning the albatross of canon and freeing up the franchise to truly, boldy go where it never had before. Forge new destinies, let their imaginations run wild.

And the first thing they fucking do is exactly the same thing they did last time. Except that a few of the beats are, like, opposite day. For example, in THE WRATH OF KHAN, Kirk and Khan never meet face-to-face; INTO DARKNESS not only has a face-to-face confrontation, they go so far as to join forces against a common enemy. And then, of course, they flip the script so that Kirk sacrifices his life to save the Enterprise, leaving Spock to curse Khan's name to the heavens (and the less said of that, the better).

I tried to take this film on its own merits, not comparing it to WRATH OF KHAN, but the film steadfastly refused to let me do that, constantly making choices and references that only made sense in the light of a familiarity with the other film.

And then the worst thing happened. New Spock put in a call to Old Spock -- you know, Nimoy's Spock from the old timeline -- and flat-out asked him to summarize the events of the very movie INTO DARKNESS was ripping off.

I'm not even going to get into the scene-by-scene specifics of how ravingly dumb this movie is. The flick spends the first half hour of the film stripping Kirk of everything he achieved in the first movie just to give it all immediately back to him a few scenes later. McCoy injects Khan's superblood into a dead tribble because I dunno science or whatever. On and on -- we'd be here all night. I'll save it for the Friends in Your Head commentary. For now, suffice it to say: it's just lazy.

That's the word for this film. Lazy premise, lazy plotting, lazy humor -- except for some solid quips by Spock that must have been written by someone else -- and just an all-around lazy movie.

Worse still, for all its attempt to seem daring and clever by taking on the franchise's sacred cow, it's ultimately a gutless film. WRATH OF KHAN had the balls to kill off Spock, a beloved character with years of affection cultivated for him by his shipmates, and more importantly, the audience. They brought him back in the sequel but as far as KHAN was concerned, he was dead.

INTO DARKNESS doesn't even have the spine to leave Kirk dead for more than five minutes. The final act is Spock and Khan in a fistfight because Khan's blood can (as they discover when it resurrects the tribble that McCoy injected with it for -- this really can't be overstated -- no apparent reason) bring Kirk back. Which it does -- and now therefore death can never mean anything in this franchise. There is no tension now. They have cured death for all time.

If the filmmakers had really wanted to do something daring, they would have killed off Kirk and left him dead. Forever. No SEARCH FOR SPOCK resurrection. Kirk is gone and the other characters spend the next film coming to terms with it, alongside whatever other adventure they might be having.

Yeah, I know. Paramount never would have let them get away with it. But if you can't get away with a bold reimagining, don't do the reimagining at all, I say. Come up with something else. You've got a whole universe to play in.

I wanted nothing more than to come out of this movie having had a great ride and jazzed for Abrams to bring the dazzle to the next STAR WARS movie. But now, man. I just don't know.

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377 Topic by Dorkman

(1 replies, posted in Movie Stuff)

IRON MAN 3 is more of a sequel to THE AVENGERS than it is to IRON MAN 2. Which is only fitting, considering IRON MAN 2 was more of a preview for THE AVENGERS than it was a sequel to IRON MAN. After kicking off the Marvel film universe with what remains one of the best films in “Phase One,” and despite his being easily the most interesting and charismatic character of the lot (thanks in no small part to Robert Downey Jr.’s own charm, of course), it seems that the creative minds at Marvel cannot for the life of them figure out what to do with Tony Stark.

Co-written and directed by Shane Black, IRON MAN 3 of course takes place at Christmastime. The events of AVENGERS have left Tony with a form of PTSD, resulting in anxiety attacks whenever someone tries to ask him about “what happened in New York,” and a mania for building more, and more elaborate, Iron Man suits. Meanwhile, a terrorist calling himself The Mandarin is setting off bombs all over the country, following them up each time with cryptic warnings about the next attack. At the same time, a technologist named Aldrich Killian — whom Tony once blew off, many years ago — comes back into the picture, having somehow cured himself of cerebral palsy and offering Stark Industries the opportunity to invest in the technology which accomplished this miracle.

When Tony’s beloved former bodyguard Happy (previous installments’ director Jon Favreau) is critically injured in a Mandarin attack — which targeted him as a result of his digging too deeply into Aldrich Killian’s associations — Stark taunts the Mandarin, challenging the Mandarin to attack him if he’s got the guts. The Mandarin obliges, destroying Tony’s cliffside home in an explosive action setpiece the trailers showed the best parts of. Tony’s A.I. butler J.A.R.V.I.S. pilots the last remaining Iron Man suit, with an unconscious Tony inside, to rural Tennessee before the suit, and J.A.R.V.I.S., malfunction and go offline, leaving Tony stranded with only his considerable wits to help him unravel the Mandarin’s evil plot, and discover how it relates to Killian’s miracle cure.

I love KISS KISS BANG BANG, Black and Downey’s previous collaboration. The two of them have the same sensibilities for character, and when they really get to shine together it can be magical. It seems clear to me that Black was less interested in making an Iron Man film than he was in doing something with RDJ, since the movie really only comes to life in the middle section, after Black has destroyed all of Tony’s suits and there’s nothing for him to do but wander around quipping at people, particularly a precocious 10 year old he befriends because fuck it. The scenes that involve the actual Mandarin plot feel obligatory, with Black making story or character choices which are occasionally awful and (I’m given to understand, as a non-reader) even downright insulting to the fandom, seemingly just to amuse himself in a world he appears to find boring.

The film seems to have learned its lesson from IRON MAN 2, not only by not including any Avengers in the story at hand but having Tony — in what I take as a nod to the audience — vehemently shut down any attempt to even mention them. But ironically, not including them post-AVENGERS feels wrong. The climax of the film involves a threat to the life of the President of the United States; Iron Man is out of commission and presumed dead. I’m pretty sure the Avengers — at the very least, I don’t know, Captain America — would’ve gotten involved, even if Iron Man seemed like he was on top of things and especially in a case where he did not. Their conscientious exclusion from the story when we know they exist in this universe feels contrived.

The villain plot is convoluted to the point of being nearly unintelligible and Tony Stark’s character journey is all shorthanded. He starts haunted by his mortality and his impotence to protect the most important things in his life (namely Pepper) and ends… not that way. I don’t know how the events of the film lead him on this internal journey to recovery and self-discovery. Quite frankly they seemed like they ought to have made his issues worse. But when the credits were about to roll, he was just suddenly okay.

There’s plenty of cool visuals and action, as can be expected, but none of it matters because the film completely ruins the character early on with the introduction of Iron Man suits that Tony can pilot remotely — or, worse still, have J.A.R.V.I.S. pilot for him.

Iron Man was cool because Tony Stark, a man with no particular combat training, saw no choice to rid the world of evil but to strap on what amounted to a set of fancy guns and put himself in harm’s way to get the job done. But when the movie reduces being Iron Man to a video game he doesn’t even have to bother playing, why should I care? As shown in the trailer, at the climax of the film Tony calls for backup, which arrives in the form of dozens of suits which escaped the destruction of his cliffside home and which are piloted by no one (i.e. J.A.R.V.I.S.). Tony hops in and out of suits to make it feel like he’s doing stuff but the majority of the spectacle is empty suits killing faceless thugs among meaningless explosions. Sci-fi action has often been accused of being empty VFX devoid of character, but this is the first time I can think of in which, in-universe, this is literally true.

Is this a deliberate, subtle dig by Black at the “blockbuster genre”? Maybe. The post-credits Avengers sting reveals that Tony has been telling this story to Bruce Banner, who not only doesn’t appear in this film despite their riding off together as besties at the end of AVENGERS, but who literally fell asleep from boredom while Tony was telling this story. I feel a self-aware filmmaker like Black wouldn’t throw in that kind of thing accidentally, but of course I’m just guessing and will probably never know.

The film ends with Stark intending to hang up the armor for good. Folks who have an interest in the wheelings and dealings of the industry know Marvel has renewed Robert Downey Jr.’s contract to return in AVENGERS 2 and 3, but there’s been no mention of IRON MAN 4. I can’t say IRON MAN 3 is the most satisfying conclusion to Tony Stark’s solo adventures; but I also can’t say, after IM3, that I particularly care to see them go on.

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378 Topic by Dorkman

(0 replies, posted in Movie Stuff)

A certain subgenre of musicals utilizes existing pop music as show tunes. Sometimes they focus on a single musical influence — MAMMA MIA and the music of ABBA, ACROSS THE UNIVERSE and the Beatles, WE WILL ROCK YOU and Queen — or sometimes it uses a variety of music, like ROCK OF AGES or MOULIN ROUGE. Whatever the case, the songs are used the same way original songs are used in musical theater — to advance the plot, reveal character, and drive the story forward. Often, the story is built around the songs so that the songs’ existing lyrics may serve this purpose (e.g. naming a character to match a name spoken in a song), to varying degrees of success. You’re really just there to enjoy the music; the story is gravy.

OBLIVION is like that, but instead of existing songs, it tells its story in a series of rearranged covers of various classic and iconic sci-fi images. Unique and groundbreaking it is not; but it is visually arresting — which is to be expected from the director of TRON: LEGACY — and it can even be compelling if you’re willing to check your inner nerdipedia at the door and not distract yourself by identifying and cataloguing each… we’ll say “homage”… as it arrives.

If you’ve seen the trailers, you know as much of the story as I can relate without spoilers. Sixty years before the events of the film, humanity made contact with an alien intelligence, and our association was less than peaceful. The fight left the planet uninhabitable, and the only human presence is the “cleanup crew” of Jack and Victoria (Tom Cruise and Andrea Riseborough) maintaining resource-collecting droids here on Earth in preparation for our final, permanent move to humanity’s new home on Titan. But when a human spacecraft crash-lands, Jack discovers that he and Victoria are not the only humans left, and their mission is not what it seems.

I don’t want to spoil the film any further, but for anyone familiar with the genre’s tropes, it admittedly holds few surprises; and anyone familiar with the call-and-response nature of Hollywood storytelling in general will be able to predict major payoffs based on their less-than-elegant setups. Still, I’m not convinced that this is a major strike against it. A huge number of movies, after all, follow a lot of the same beats, and the audience goes to see them to watch a new take on the old forms. OBLIVION’s passing of each checkpoint simply risks calling more attention to itself because of the additional visual similarities to what has gone before.

Taken on its own, the story is solid, with the exception of the final explanation of the mystery, or rather, the manner and extent to which it is explained. While I object to the rising “mystery box” mindset which believes it’s okay for a movie to ask a bunch of questions it never bothers to answer (and that this makes a movie “intelligent”), there is such a thing as too much explaining. For example, if INCEPTION had explained how, exactly, the dream-sharing machine worked, it would’ve broken the film for me, because now I can no longer engage in the story the machine is facilitating when I’m fixated on how stupid and impossible the machine’s modus operandi is.

OBLIVION’s conclusion is a bit like that. It tells a little too much about what happened at the heart of the mystery when a savvy sci-fi fan could have sussed it out, again, just based on knowing the tropes of the genre. Moreover, it delivers the explanation via a device — a space shuttle flight recorder which is the MacGuffin of the second act — which according to the very story it reveals could not have been there when it happened. It is frustrating — perhaps so frustrating as to break the film entirely for some viewers. I had enjoyed the film enough that I was willing to let it slide, but your mileage may vary.

I’m going to have to come to terms with the fact that, despite any real-life kookery, I think Tom Cruise is a good actor. In science fiction and fantasy, the key to believability has always been less in the visual effects or production design, and more in whether or not the characters seemed to buy into it. Granted, Cruise’s religion of choice teaches that something essentially like the backstory of OBLIVION is actually true, but whatever the reason, he sells it and makes it a little easier to go along for the ride.

Andrea Riseborough does well with what she’s given, although she’s given little more than a series of increasingly hysterical outbursts. Olga Kurylenko, as the Mysterious Woman from Space, is little more than set dressing, existing only to serve as an occasional catalyst for Cruise to take action. I can remember the plot fairly well as it pertains to Cruise’s character, but I barely remember Kurylenko at all. Morgan Freeman is, you know, Morgan Freeman. This isn’t a negative, I’m just saying, his performance doesn’t defy expectations in any way.

I said earlier that the believability of a sci-fi world hinges more on characters buying into it than VFX or production design necessarily does, but don’t get me wrong: in both cases, the work in OBLIVION is stunning. The VFX are pretty much flawless, and the production design succeeds in invoking both the white rooms and round windows aesthetic of “classic” 60s sci-fi, and the sprawling post-apocalyptic wastelands of the last decade or so. I don’t say this often anymore, but the film is worth watching — and studying — for the visuals alone.

OBLIVION is in many ways everything sci-fi fans want in a sci-fi movie. The only problem is that sci-fi fans have already gotten it in various films of the last 30 years. Had OBLIVION come out in 1975, it would be the greatest sci-fi film of all time. But coming out in 2013, it struggles to be anything more than sci-fi’s greatest hits.

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379 Reply by Dorkman

(123 replies, posted in Episodes)

MasterZap wrote:

Oh you "texting" luddites. I'm amazed. Really? It's 2013!!?? And you make *calls*, with a measurable frequency? Wow.

Wow!

And no, I am definitely *not* under 21.

The main use for my "phone", by unit of time?

ABSOLUTE top: Podcast streamer and Audiobook listener.
After that comes email and skype, and then twitter/facebook/googling.
After that comes photography, video capture and editing.
After that comes managing the audio streaming in my house via SqueezeBox controller.
After that comes code development (yes, on the phone), remote desktoping into my home system when out.
After that comes painting / sketching.
After that comes "other"
And then... comes making a phonecall.
And last.... comes sending an actual oldschool "SMS" text message.


/Z

Uh, okay. All of those are shitty things to do in a movie theater, too.

EDIT: Well, except the podcast/audiobook thing. Sure, go nuts.

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380 Reply by Dorkman

(303 replies, posted in Off Topic)

Not to mention both Viserys and Jon getting burned happen before the dragons return.

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381 Reply by Dorkman

(77 replies, posted in Off Topic)

oh my god y'all

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382 Reply by Dorkman

(255 replies, posted in Creations)

I'd be interested.

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383 Reply by Dorkman

(48 replies, posted in Episodes)

That would be The JOBS Act. It is for any kind of small business, but definitely has major implications for low-budget fundraising.

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384 Reply by Dorkman

(48 replies, posted in Episodes)

I'm not aware of a controversy regarding her use of Kickstarter. As I recall, it was more that after breaking crowdfunding records, and raising over 11 times what she asked for, she put out a call for designers or something and tried to play the "I can't afford to pay, labor of love, do it for the exposure" card. To which the reply was "Amanda, the ENTIRE INTERNET knows that's complete bullshit. You just got over a million dollars in free money. If you want work done, fucking pay for it with the money you raised for that exact purpose."

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385 Reply by Dorkman

(7 replies, posted in Off Topic)

I hope this guy gets the help/day job he clearly needs.

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386 Reply by Dorkman

(112 replies, posted in Episodes)

It's really just a fun what-if, if you're a fan of Harry Potter and have a skeptical mindset, and it's well-written enough to take the curse of being fan fiction off reading it. Somehow it hit Brian's G-spot like a freight train, which is great, but I think maybe he's at risk of overhyping it a little at this point.

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387 Reply by Dorkman

(34 replies, posted in Pitches, Fixes, and Rewrites)

I remember reading about his defeating a dark Jedi on Dagobah too. It was the "explanation" for why the Dark Side cave existed.

In my prequels you never see Yoda, just hear of him by reputation. Another surprise I would want to preserve for ESB.

Thanks for the compliments everyone! smile

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388 Reply by Dorkman

(93 replies, posted in Off Topic)

Hell, I don't even have a daughter and that scene made me cry.

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389 Reply by Dorkman

(93 replies, posted in Off Topic)

These days studios produce special discs for rental houses which only include the movie. If you want the extras you have to buy.

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390 Reply by Dorkman

(93 replies, posted in Off Topic)

Doctor Submarine wrote:

Only if I get to be the Jaeger. They have hands that turn into plasma cannons!

But only the nuclear-powered analog ones.  roll

As for the film, meh. Writing up a review today. I won't get in any arguments with someone who loves it, but I don't plan to watch it through again any time soon. Good chance of a blu-ray buy depending on the special features, though.

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391 Reply by Dorkman

(11 replies, posted in Off Topic)

Naturally. I just hesitate to say it because it's obvious and sounds like I have no imagination. tongue

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392 Reply by Dorkman

(11 replies, posted in Off Topic)

Kaufman is the right writer, at least. Not sure GDT has the surrealist chops for it. Not that many directors do.

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393 Reply by Dorkman

(112 replies, posted in Episodes)

The weird thing is I loved Power Rangers growing up, so I ought to be all about this "other" PR. In fact if it were called POWER RANGERS I'd probably be shitting a brick.

I dunno. I think MAN OF STEEL broke me. hmm

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394 Reply by Dorkman

(112 replies, posted in Episodes)

Robots, monsters, spectacle, and/or falling buildings are all they seem to make these days, and it's getting old. That one movie puts them all together isn't, to me, a point in the "pro" column.

I still have yet to hear anything negative about it, but then again I'm the lone voice in the wilderness on PAN'S LABYRINTH too. At any rate, I've got my tickets for Thursday night.

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395 Reply by Dorkman

(34 replies, posted in Pitches, Fixes, and Rewrites)

Actually there's a straight epic fantasy story I've been wanting to write for a while, and while I've managed to do a good amount of worldbuilding I could never quite figure out a plot to get things started. So I'll probably just cannibalize these to get me rolling. Thanks for the inception, Zarban!

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396 Reply by Dorkman

(34 replies, posted in Pitches, Fixes, and Rewrites)

yikes

...

neutral

...

I'm... totally going to do that.

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397 Reply by Dorkman

(34 replies, posted in Pitches, Fixes, and Rewrites)

I can see your point (and there's an argument to be made that it's still more Jedi-centric than it probably ought to be), though I do think it's worth pointing out that in both cases it's Anakin, and the fact he's too powerful for his own good -- especially when he's giving in to the dark side -- is a major element of the plot.

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398 Reply by Dorkman

(34 replies, posted in Pitches, Fixes, and Rewrites)

EPISODE III
REVENGE OF THE SITH

The Separatists have been fighting to keep the sovereignty of their individual planets, while trying to negotiate a treaty with the Republic to re-enter the fold without need for any more bloodshed. But Palpatine is unwilling to accept anything but complete surrender, and fighting is inevitable as the corrupt Chancellor seeks to bring them under his thumb.

Padme, now Anakin’s wife, is pregnant, very near term, with their first child. Their son. Anakin is already madly in love with the child, so excited to have someone he can teach and care for. They have gone into hiding on Yithian, at the Jedi Temple, having taken asylum in exchange for Anakin providing the Council with the identity of the Sith Master, Palpatine. As a result, the Jedi have allied with the Separatists to bring Palpatine down. Padme is a leader in the Separatist movement, though she has scaled back her involvement as she’s come to term.

This has, of course, only fueled Palpatine’s ability to demonize both Jedi and Separatist alike as traitors to the Republic, and has created such a climate of fear and distrust that nobody speaks out against an anti-Jedi genocide taking place right out in the open, under the auspices of the Chancellor’s office. The Jedi are being systematically hunted and slaughtered by Palpatine’s new Sith Warrior, a shrouded figure whose name has become a talisman of fear: Darth Vader.

A former trainee at the Jedi Temple, Vader turned to the Dark Side and against his former friends. Obi-Wan having trained most frequently with the man who would become Vader, the Council conscripts him to protect a contingent of Jedi, in hiding on the volatile lava-planet of Mustafar, from the Sith Warrior and his team of bounty hunters.

Anakin does not want to accompany Obi-Wan on this adventure -- he wants to stay with his wife, be ready for the imminent arrival of his child. On top of this, he doesn’t trust the Jedi, and the Jedi have made it clear on many occasions that they do not trust him. They sense he is volatile, that there is darkness in him.

Obi-Wan insists that Anakin come along. He has relied on Anakin for over a decade now, would not have gotten through the Battle of Alderaan without Anakin at his side. But Anakin never told Obi-Wan what happened after Maul knocked him out, and being reminded of it only confuses his emotions even further. Obi-Wan pressures him into coming along, and Anakin very reluctantly agrees.

Upon arriving at Mustafar, Anakin and Obi-Wan confront Vader. But Palpatine appears on the scene and messes with Anakin’s head some more. Palpatine puts it to Anakin: isn’t he tired of having other people tell him what to do? How to live, how to think? He’s more powerful than any of them, shouldn’t he be the one making the rules, making his own decisions? Look what loyalty and servitude has gotten him -- he’s put himself where he doesn’t want to be when, light-years away, his wife and unborn child are in the hands of the very people who have kept him in line with their rules and dogma, through the guise of his “friend” Obi-Wan.

Horribly, everything he’s saying is the truth as Anakin sees it. His fear and anxiety boils over into rage and hatred, directed simultaneously at Vader and Obi-Wan. Palpatine tells him that he can only have one apprentice, only one person to teach the Sith Arts and the true path to power. For now it is Vader, but it could be him. All he has to do is kill them both and “take your place by my side.”

THE DUEL begins.

Obi-Wan tries to talk sense into Anakin in the midst of a three-way, all-out, knock-down drag-out fight. The saber battle to end all saber battles. The planet tears itself apart around them, both due to its already unstable nature and the furious Force-battle they wage in tandem with the lightsaber combat.

Vader is thrown into the lava and Anakin nearly falls, but Obi-Wan catches him, tries to save him. But Anakin is too far gone. He attacks Obi-Wan, and falls.

Devastated by grief over the loss of his friend, Obi-Wan returns to Padme to discover she has given birth not just to a son, but to twins, a boy and a girl. Fearful that Palpatine will come after Anakin’s children, Obi-Wan tells everyone who knows about the birth to spread the word that she had a miscarriage and the son died, and to not even mention the girl.

The girl is taken to Alderaan, into the protection of Padme’s close friend Bail Organa. The boy, Obi-Wan knows he must hide much further, where no one will look for him.

Meanwhile, a charred-beyond-recognition body is retrieved from the lava. The Suit goes on. The breathing starts.

“Who are you?” Palpatine asks the obsidian hulk.

“I am Darth Vader,” the figure responds.

Obi-Wan takes the boy child to the only place he can think will be safe, the only family the boy has left. He takes him to Tatooine, to his Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru. Owen tries to refuse, but Beru -- who is unable to have children of her own -- will not let him. They will raise Luke as their own child.

Word reaches Obi-Wan that Padme has been captured by Vader in a siege on the Jedi Temple (which has also decimated the Council, scattering the few surviving Jedi into exile). He sets out to save her, but he arrives too late. Padme is brought before Palpatine and grilled for answers. Tortured. She refuses to give in. And so, to make an example of her, Palpatine kills her with Force lightning. Vader stands by, watching, and does nothing.

Obi-Wan witnesses this, and in his distress he sets off an alarm. A search begins. Obi-Wan is cornered in a hiding spot, tracked down by Vader. Vader knows he’s there, Obi-Wan knows he knows...but instead of revealing and capturing/killing him, Vader inexplicably leads the troopers away, telling them there is no one there. And Obi-Wan is able to escape.

On Alderaan, an astromech droid, designation R2-D2 (ARTOO), arrives at the Organa residence and is received by the family protocol droid, C-3PO (THREEPIO).

Artoo has a message from Padme Skywalker, to “Bail Organa and his daughter, Leia.” Threepio asks for the message, to relay it, but Artoo insists that it is to be delivered to Bail directly. When Threepio refuses to let him in without screening the message, Artoo simply barges in, wheeling his way into the house faster than Threepio can shuffle after him.

Bail thanks Threepio for his effort and accepts Artoo’s message. Padme’s message was recorded mere moments before her capture. She tells Bail that she does not expect to live through this, and she asks him to take care of Leia, to show her all the love that she will never be able to. She also gives Artoo to the Organas, to Threepio’s consternation.

To Leia, she sends her love and says goodbye. She looks as Leia will later remember her -- beautiful, but sad. The infant reaches out for her mother’s image, begins to cry when the message ends.

Obi-Wan returns to Tatooine, to watch over and protect young Luke as he grows. Owen, though, blames the entire rotten situation squarely on Obi-Wan, and tells Obi-Wan that he doesn’t want him filling the boy’s head with the same idealistic nonsense that got his father killed. Obi-Wan agrees to observe from a distance, and only from a distance, until the boy is old enough to make the decision for himself.

The Separatist movement fails and they are brought back under the jurisdiction (i.e. tyranny) of the Galactic Republic -- now rebranded the Galactic Empire, with Palpatine installing himself as the first -- and only -- Emperor. But though their sovereignty has been lost, the fight is just beginning, and the Separatists respond to Palpatine’s rebranding with one of their own:

They call themselves the Rebel Alliance.

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399 Reply by Dorkman

(34 replies, posted in Pitches, Fixes, and Rewrites)

EPISODE II
ATTACK OF THE CLONES

The Clone Wars have been raging for ten years, and they are nearing their end. With almost none of their cloning facilities remaining intact, and clones only having a lifespan of about ten years even when not being killed in battle, the Mando fleet is shrinking rapidly. It seems certain the battles will be over soon.

Obi-Wan and Anakin are both highly-decorated, respected Generals of the GAR, and so close that most people simply assume them to be brothers. Obi-Wan has continued training Anakin, and Anakin has flourished in his abilities with the Force, even succeeding in building his very own lightsaber.

But unbeknownst to Obi-Wan, Anakin’s abilities have in fact outpaced Obi-Wan’s ability to teach him. Anakin doesn’t want to hurt Obi-Wan by telling him this, as he loves Obi-Wan as a brother and mentor, but his powers are growing to the point where they are beginning to frighten him and he doesn’t know who he can turn to.

Anakin has also developed a relationship with now-Chancellor Palpatine. If Obi-Wan is a brother, Palpatine is a father.
Reliable intelligence brings to light that the Mandos are planning one last all-out assault on the planet of Alderaan, which is the planet that has developed some of the Republic’s most sophisticated weaponry. At first they think that it is simply to destroy the weapons manufacturing, perhaps as retribution for the destruction of the cloning facilities.

But then it is revealed that the Alderaanians are secretly developing some truly devastating hardware -- even, they hint, something capable of destroying entire planets. It becomes clear that the Mandos wish to steal this technology, and turn the tide of the war once again.

The Senate, manipulated by Palpatine, will not authorize the GAR to mobilize to the protection of Alderaan. They have managed to spread the Mandalorian fleet thin enough to make it manageable, and if their intelligence is faulty then concentrating forces so heavily on the wrong planet could have devastating effects. Nobody wants to risk being the planet that wasn’t protected when the Alderaan attack turns out to be a mere decoy. And besides, Alderaan has all those weapons. They can protect themselves.

Knowing that a Mandalorian coup of Alderaan would spell doom for the Republic, Obi-Wan takes it upon himself to go to the planet directly, putting Anakin in the uncomfortable position of having to decide where his loyalties lie. Ultimately, but not without hesitation, he sides with Obi-Wan and accompanies him to Alderaan.
After convincing the Alderaanian leaders that the danger to their planet is serious and real, Obi-Wan and Anakin split up. Anakin remains on Alderaan to help prepare them for the impending attack, as Obi-Wan goes to nearby planets and tries to convince them to exercise their rights as sovereign entities to pull their forces out of the GAR and give aid to Alderaan.

During his time on Alderaan, Anakin meets PADME, a soldier who at first is put off by his brash personality. But she warms to him, shows him the wondrous things her planet has to offer, the reasons she and her people will fight for it. And with the threat of annihilation looming over them, they fall in love.

Obi-Wan manages to get a mere half-dozen planets to give their fleets to Alderaan’s protection, and he mobilizes them around the planet as best he can.

And then the attack comes.

The battle is massive and devastating. The Mandalorians implement kamikaze tactics to break through the defenses and land a ground party -- one led by Darth Maul. Obi-Wan and Anakin engage him in BATTLE, but he has spent the last decade training, and is far more powerful than when Obi-Wan met him on Utapau. He takes on both of them, nearly killing Obi-Wan and rendering him unconscious.

In his fury, Anakin unleashes hell on Maul, beating him back in lightsaber combat and then hitting him with a Force blast so powerful it not only kills Maul, but brings down a building, killing hundreds of Mandalorians and Alderaanians alike. Overwhelmed with horror, Anakin flees the planet.

In the end, the Mandalorians are defeated, decisively ending the Clone Wars. But Alderaan has paid a heavy price. Their cities destroyed, their population decimated, the Alderaanian leadership (Bail Organa among them) declares that they will no longer produce weapons on Alderaan -- in fact, Alderaan is to become a peaceful planet, and shall have no weapons at all.

Though the Clone Wars have finally been brought to a close, Palpatine manages to put his spin on it to work the Senate into a froth over the “treasonous” actions of the Jedi (for coaxing armies out of the GAR), and of those planets which abandoned their commitment to the GAR in order to protect Alderaan.

Declaring that this war has been fought too hard and too long for the Republic to divide again now that it has ended, Palpatine declares martial law to bring what he labels the “Separatists” back in line. Several more planets withdraw their own armies in protest, but recognizing that Palpatine will be coming after them too, the excommunicated armies ally together to create a new unified fighting force, the Separatist Confederacy.

Anakin goes to Palpatine, to beseech him to see reason. But Palpatine reveals he not only knows about Anakin’s powers, he knows they have grown beyond Anakin’s control. Far from chastizing him, Palpatine encourages him to pursue that path to power.

Palpatine reveals that he is the mastermind behind the Clone Wars, he the Sith Master who shared cloning technology with the Mandalorians, believing that their goals -- vengeance against the Republic -- were compatible. He tells Anakin of the Sith, an ancient race who had learned to harness the power of the Dark Side of the Force, and how the Republic, driven by Jedi “propaganda,” led to the subjugation, slavery, and ultimate eradication of the noble Sith. But their knowledge, the “Sith Arts,” survived, passed from master to apprentice through the millennia, waiting for the time when those who had forced the Sith to kneel would themselves be forced to kneel before the power of the Dark Side.

And now that his apprentice Maul is dead, at Anakin’s hand no less, Palpatine must take a new apprentice...and he offers this to Anakin. He can teach Anakin things that Obi-Wan has never dared to imagine, and together they can rule the galaxy.

Anakin refuses to join him and attacks Palpatine. But Palpatine is far too powerful, using the Force to defeat Anakin without ever moving from his chair, and finally tossing Anakin out the window of his chamber.

Anakin survives, but he knows that Palpatine let him live. He returns to Alderaan, and he and Padme find comfort in each other.

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400 Topic by Dorkman

(34 replies, posted in Pitches, Fixes, and Rewrites)

I suppose this needs little introduction to anyone who's listened to the show. I'm Dorkman and the Star Wars prequels give me stress hives. I originally wrote these up over on TheForce.net's fanfilms board as an idea for one way to "fix" the prequels. I only meant to do a sentence or two per film but then it got out of hand. These were subsequently posted on the [REDACTED] blog, but since that was nearly four years ago and we have gotten a lot of new community members since then, this may well be new to many of you.

My goals with this version of the story were as follows:

1) Use the titles. I'm big on the power of a good title, and I actually like the titles of the Star Wars prequels. So as part of the experiment I wanted to keep the titles and find a way to thread the new story in such a way that they applied as much or more than they do in the official films. It also helped give me some focus rather than completely starting from scratch.

2) Preserve "I am your father." It's one of the great moments in cinema, and despite the fact that everyone already knows it, I don't think the prequels should behave like it's a foregone conclusion that you know it. You should be able to watch it chronologically and not know until that moment. I'll be the first to admit my solution is less than completely elegant, but it's the best I could come up with. It's a tough problem. hmm

3) You can watch it in either order. Corollary to the above, ideally if you already know the OT, the PT would give you a new perspective on events. At the same time, if you've never seen a Star Wars film, you should be able to watch them chronologically without the films assuming you already know the rest of the story.

4) It's Obi-Wan's story. While ultimately the six-film cycle is still about the rise, fall, and redemption of Anakin Skywalker, as the OT saw that story through Luke's eyes, the PT would see it through Obi-Wan's. Not only does this create a sense of symmetry (as Brian said in one of the commentaries, first you see the story through the eyes of his "father," then through the eyes of his son), but it hopefully resolves the Plinkett Problem.

5) GTFOH with that prophecy shit. I'm so, so tired of this Chosen One nonsense in every fantasy story these days. There wasn't a prophecy about Bilbo or Frodo and there doesn't need to be one about Anakin, Luke, or anyone else in this story. They're just players in galactic history, sometimes for good and sometimes ill.

I'm posting the treatments below, or you can download them in PDF form here.

Enjoy!

-----------

EPISODE ONE
THE PHANTOM MENACE

A mysterious fleet of ships carries out a campaign of attacks against planets on the Outer Rim of the Galactic Republic. They appear out of nowhere, decimate the planet and then vanish once more into the black. The Jedi OBI-WAN KENOBI is drawn into the conflict, dispatched from the Jedi Temple on the jungle planet Yithian to investigate the mystery.

His investigation leads him to discover that the fleet is comprised of the remnants of the Mandalorians, a civilization that was destroyed by the Republic during an expansionary phase millennia ago. A small contingent of them went into exile, trying to rebuild their army to take revenge. But they were too small a contingent, their army building too slowly, and they were soon forgotten by the Republic, relegated at most to legend, and only on a handful of fringe planets.

But the Mandalorians -- a spacefaring but relatively primitive culture -- have somehow obtained cloning technology, which has allowed them to build their army exponentially, and finally begin their campaign of vengeance against the Republic in earnest. On the Outer Rim planet of Utapau, Obi-Wan discovers their primary cloning facility, and leaves to warn the Senate. But as he makes his escape he is attacked by Mando ships and barely gets away, his ship badly damaged. He limps to the nearest inhabited planet -- Tatooine -- for repairs.

Planetside, it is determined that the ship will take weeks to repair. Obi-Wan knows that he doesn’t have weeks, and seeks out alternative transport. Obi-Wan has never been outside the Jedi Temple, and he sticks out like a sore thumb, leading to trouble in the local cantina. Before things can get out of hand, a young moisture farmer named OWEN LARS comes to his rescue and gets him out of there. Obi-Wan tells Owen his plight, and it just so happens that Owen knows someone who can help.

Owen introduces Obi-Wan to his brother-in-law, ANAKIN SKYWALKER, a pilot with his own ship (Owen’s wife, BERU, is Anakin’s sister). Upon hearing that Obi-Wan wants to go to Coruscant, Anakin refuses, but Obi-Wan offers him so much money he can’t turn it down. He agrees, on the condition that they take a one-day detour so that Anakin can make a delivery that’s just come in. Desperate to get on the move, Obi-Wan accepts.

The delivery takes them to another Outer Rim planet, Nimban. On arrival, instead of arriving via the standard approach, Anakin activates a scanner-scrambler, and with a bit of fancy flying evades planetary security without their even realizing he’s there.

When Obi-Wan asks him why he did this, Anakin responds that it would not do to have security scan the ship, as the contents are not exactly legal.

Scandalized to realize he’s been traveling with a smuggler, Obi-Wan gets all up on his high horse and Anakin tells him that if he doesn’t like it, he can take his money and find other transport.

Obi-Wan disembarks at Nimban as Anakin makes the trade, but Nimban is somehow even more hostile than Tatooine. The other pilots regard Obi-Wan’s offers of money as more suspicious than enticing, and pretty soon they’re all giving him a wide berth. He quickly realizes that they’re ALL smugglers here.

Humbled, he returns to Anakin, who is not interested in flying the long journey to Coruscant with a self-righteous stick in the mud. But when the Mando fleet appears and attacks the planet, Anakin lets Obi-Wan back into the ship and they make their escape.

Obi-Wan co-pilots with Anakin, and they manage to get out of the fray, the only ship that escapes unharmed. Obi-Wan is impressed, to say the least. Anakin is the best pilot he’s ever seen -- so good, in fact, that Obi-Wan is certain his abilities are supernatural. He believes that Anakin has the Force.

For Anakin’s part, having now seen the scale of the Mando threat, he agrees that the Senate has to be informed, and they set course for Coruscant.

Meanwhile, in the Senate, a nobody Senator named PALPATINE argues passionately that the Republic -- currently a diplomatic body comprised of individual, sovereign planets and/or systems -- cannot survive this new threat in its current form. The military might of any individual planet is insufficient to combat the encroaching army. One by one, they will be defeated. He proposes that a unified army -- the Grand Army of the Republic (GAR) -- be formed from a voluntary alliance of member nations, to go on a combined offensive against the conquering marauders. They must stand together, he urges, or they shall fall apart.

Upon their arrival at Coruscant, Obi-Wan seeks an audience with the Senate and, as a Jedi, his request is granted. Obi-Wan and Anakin are both out of their element among the crowds and skyscrapers of the city planet, and they bond through their shared new experience.

Obi-Wan tells the Senate of what he has discovered. The size of the threat, combined with the fact that the Mando forces are increasing in number on an almost daily basis, turns the tide of debate. Now that they know what they’re up against, dozens of planets agree to add their might, however great or small, to the GAR.

Obi-Wan and Anakin are recruited to help lead the offensive against the primary Mando cloning facility -- Obi-Wan because he is a Jedi, and all nations trust their wisdom and neutrality, and Anakin because Obi-Wan requests it.
The battle at the Mando facility -- into the heart of the Mando fleet -- is suitably huge and climactic. Anakin leads the air fleet while Obi-Wan leads a force on the ground to shut down the planetary defenses.

Shockingly, Obi-Wan finds himself face to face with a Sith Warrior, DARTH MAUL, the likes of which -- like the Mandalorians  -- many including Obi-Wan believed to be mere myth. A LIGHTSABER BATTLE ensues. Maul is incredible and Obi-Wan nearly falls at his hands, but the ground contingent succeeds in shutting down the planet’s defenses and Obi-Wan is able to escape as the airstrike destroys the facility.

After the battle, Obi-Wan returns with Anakin to the Jedi Temple, asking that Anakin be admitted for Jedi training. But the Council refuses, saying that he is too old to begin his training.

Dejected, Anakin prepares to leave the Temple and go back to his old life. But Obi-Wan, unwilling to lose the best (really, the only) friend he has ever had, and unwilling to see Anakin’s potential go to waste, says that they should both accept the Republic’s offer to join the GAR. Obi-Wan will teach Anakin the ways of the Force himself. Anakin agrees.

Meanwhile, the Jedi Council deliberates, attempting to decipher what part the presumed-extinct Sith are playing in these events, and in the Senate yet more planets commit their military forces to the GAR. The Mandos no longer have their primary cloning facility, but their fleet is still the greatest threat the Republic has ever seen.

The Clone Wars have begun.

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