At last, a use for Jim Lovell's book title, Lost Moon.

When, let's call him, Locke finally opens the hatch, a large number of helium-filled space dildos float majestically out. It turns out that, when used correctly, these act as miniature warp drives for the wearer.

Note: This is not spam.

Wobbly black-and-white footage of people screaming at their computer over a cheap rip-off of shower-murder music from 'Psycho'.

Has your forum been overrun by evil spammers? Are you terrified of touching your computer in case you accidentally purchase cheap Colombian Viagra, brought to you in tax-resistant packaging by willing Ukrainian virgins?

Does the very thought of this keep you up at night?

Well, now you can be free of forum fear forever!

Wipe, with magic-wand transition, to brightly-coloured faces grinning  at their computer over 'Morning' from 'Peer Gynt'.  After a few seconds, a familiar face steps into view.

Hello, I'm Angela Lansbury. You might remember me from such documentaries as Murder She Wrote and Bedknobs and Broomsticks.  Despite my extensive knowledge of murdering and bedknobs, you might be surprised to learn that my forum was once as overrun by evil spammers as yours.

Then, one day, I had a vision.  After that, I asked my good friend, and noted computer expert, Dr H.V. Patel of the Ronco/Patel Institute, Bangalore, India, if he could release me from my prison of evil spam.

And he did!  Here's how.

Close-up of videos of prisons repeatedly exploding on a web page as hunky voice-over booms out.

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BAN-O-MAT 5000 is based on advanced commuting aneurysms that search and destroy spam messages by identifying key phrases like "Note: This is not spam", "Would you like me to suck your", and "Help me, I'm being held in a Turkish prison".

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Scene of devastated building over 'O Fortuna!' from 'Carmina Burana'.  A dismembered hand is visible in the foreground clutching a CD labelled 'EVIL SPAM'.  After a few seconds, a familiar face steps into view.

I'm still Angela Lansbury. Thanks to Indian ingenuity, and Ronco's low, low price on surplus weaponry, I can once again sleep at night.

If you'd like to join me, call now. Operators are standing by.

If 1970s Doctor Who were anime...

I'm waiting for the Trey-us ex machina, where it is revealed that we've been puppets all along.

You guys are kraken me up.

Are we in the third act yet? I want to see Chekov's gun going off.

(Although, strictly speaking, shouldn't Chekov have a phaser?)

I haven't seen the first page yet. Is it really worth it, or can I just skip straight to the second and third pages? I hear it was just based on a forum about Disneyland rides, so how good can it be anyway?

Two Steps from Hell

Is HBO the only US company still putting actual title sequences on their shows, frittering away valuable advertising minutes with theme tunes and credits and everything?

Although, as a theme tune snob, I thought the music was fairly "meh".

Whistles the theme to 'The Man from U.N.C.L.E' in the original 5/4 time.

Okay, I'm still listening to the commentary, but here are my notes so far:

• Herr Doktor Professor Trey's anatomy lesson was slightly mistaken: your shoulder doesn't float completely; the scapula (shoulder blade) articulates with your clavicle (collar bone), which, in turn, articulates with your sternum (breast bone). Your collar bone is the only solid connection between your arm and the rest of your skeleton, but without it, you couldn't do push-ups or suffer the excruciating pain of a broken collar bone.

• Here in non-America, we have a legal minimum number of vowels we must use in most words. Hence, we do actually spell 'specialty' with two 'i's, as 'speciality'. See also: 'jewellery', 'aeroplane', 'diarrhoea', 'moustache' and 'belowjob'.

• I once knew a Lieutenant-Colonel St John Cholmondely Featherstone-Haugh; lovely chap. He became destitute after they phased out cash because no bank could fit his name on a credit card.

• I think Vin Diesel's best role is the Iron Giant in 'The Iron Giant'.

• There's a secret society? Why did no-one tell me?

Middle-aged leading men that all the women in the cast swoon over, sometimes after being forcefully kissed by the leading man in question (see any Bond movie with Roger Moore as an example).

Walter Brennan-type goofy geezers, especially in cartoon form (such as 'Old BOB' in 'The Black Hole').

Using 'bellowing into a large mobile phone' as shorthand for 'douchebag' when introducing a character.

Band-aided spectacles + pocket protector + nasal whine as standard dress code for 'geek'.

COM-PU-TER VOI-CES *chunka-chunka-chunka* like the one on the original 'Star Trek'.

Printers that sound like dot-matrix Epsons.

Printers are characters, right? At least, they're more interesting than progress bars.

QFT.

Although, strictly pedantically, which is the best kind of pedantically: there were six original radio episodes, then a special episode, then the remaining five episodes, then all the other media-cross-platformery afterwards.

I say this based on two things:

• my own off-the-air cassette tape recordings of the original series (which don't include the first episode, since I didn't know the show was going to be good enough to tape until I was already listening to the first episode);

• my erstwhile membership of the original Hitchhiker's fan club, which was so long ago, that I don't remember what the club was called, but I'm pretty sure it involved panicking and harmlessness, or maybe that was just the inaugural convention in Glasgow;

• and the time I chatted with Douglas Adams while he was waiting to sign a little pile of his books in a little bookshop in Leeds in 1984, and I was literally the only other person in the shop with him, at lunchtime on a sunny day, so famous was he at the time.

How things change, including my estimate of how many things I was intending to list.