2,201 Reply by Zarban

(1,019 replies, posted in Episodes)

Lethal Weapon is also a Christmas movie....

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2,202 Reply by Zarban

(2,061 replies, posted in Episodes)

I think a Thin Man remake has been batted around for years but hasn't gotten off the ground. Maybe the Asylum could do 2011: Nick and Nora and the Fearsome Fossil, in which Nick Powell (not Charles, deftly avoiding licensing issues) meets Nora Loy while investigating a modern-day high society mystery involving the theft of a fossil aboard a yacht. But then they run into a living example, the deadly attenborosaurus.

Bang, you've got a whole low-budget franchise trilogy, with 2012: Nick and Nora and the Man-eating Mole and 2013: Nick and Nora and the Gargoyle Ghost.

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2,203 Reply by Zarban

(2,061 replies, posted in Episodes)

I heard they named a street after Barry Bostwick and then had to change it. Nobody crosses Barry Bostwick and lives.

I liked the first Fraser Mummy movie okay, but hated the one Egyptian comedy relief guy. The second one was a bit too much for me, but I did really like the fact that they kept the two leads together. It irritates me to no end when sequels throw away the female lead so they can start over with a different romance. However, it was a weird choice for them to have a grown child already.

In National Treasure 2, they kept the female lead but had her estranged just so they can have the leads fall for each other all over again. Ugh. But the worst is Austin Powers 2, where Vanessa turns out to be a fembot—five minutes after the end of the first movie.

In the old (I mean 1930s) Bulldog Drummond films, Drummond meets his lady love in the first one and in each of the sequels gets a bit closer to marrying her. The running gag of his running out does get stale, but the progress is satisfying. Compare the old (I mean 1940s) Dick Tracy movies, where Tracy is just a jerk who keeps Tess waiting all the time.

Meanwhile, in the superb Thin Man movies (1930s and '40s), Nick and Nora have just been married in the first one and proceed to have a fine time solving mysteries together in the sequels. Baby makes three in the third of six movies.

/deep movie nerdery

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2,204 Reply by Zarban

(2 replies, posted in Off Topic)

Wow. Slick. It seems to emulate 1970s guerrilla film making, complete with hand-held sway, shifts to black and white, and color fading. That's a lot of work to make something look shitty. But it looks shitty-cool.

The titles could be on screen longer. I could never read everything.

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2,205 Reply by Zarban

(4 replies, posted in Off Topic)

DorkmanScott wrote:

I can't speak for the whole series, but for the episode I worked on, we did indeed have an entire directory of severed limbs among the various explosion and bloodburst elements.

I didn't work on any shots that used them, but they were there.

If I had access to a whole directory of severed limbs, it wouldn't matter what shot I was working on.

There would be severed limbs littering the floor of the the intensive care ward of the base hospital.... There would be severed limbs stacked in bales in the supply depot....  There would even be severed limbs scattered all over the suburban street where De Sotos and Hudsons should be parked.

In order not to make it seem totally nonsensical, I would, of course, 'shop in a light saber on the belt of some marine or nurse  in the shot. You can't just leave that sort of thing unexplained.

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2,206 Reply by Zarban

(111 replies, posted in Episodes)

Trey wrote:

...it looked to me like the same kinda lens package that I've seen being used on other shoots. So once or twice during the shoot I would get sneaky and say something like "let's try this with a 50" as if I knew what the hell that meant.   If I didn't like the result, then I would say "hmm, nah, let's go wider".  It seemed to work, and I recommend this clever trick to all directors.

Also, the lenses were all kept in a gray metal box with some writing on it, if that helps?


Sorry; just writing this down. "Gray... metal.... box". Got it.

/gaining confidence about my screenplay for 1066: The Norman Invasion vs Sharkasaurus.

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2,207 Reply by Zarban

(313 replies, posted in Off Topic)

Why does this keep happening?! Answer the previous top 5 challenge, then pose your own. It's a perfectly cromulent concept.

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2,208 Reply by Zarban

(32 replies, posted in Off Topic)

Meh. I'm mostly with Greg.

I'm a casual fan of the Potter movies and never read the books, but I adore logic and reason. But I lost a lot of interest when Harry wondered how a person could lose enough mass to take on the size of a cat. There are plenty of "science" fiction stories where that sort of thing happens; why not parody those?

Then Harry goes into the bag of gold bit. In any sensible story, the pouch would produce whatever he asked for based on his intentions and not his actual words. If the original novel worked the way the fan fic does, then the novel is just nonsensical—like plenty of stories set in non-magical worlds.

Not much of it was very funny up to that point. Then Harry and McGonagall begin arguing whether a boy whose parents were murdered by an evil wizard should buy an emergency healing kit, and she makes him cry because he suggested that bad things can happen to people, and she asks if he was abused by his foster parents. That's where the story ended for me.

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2,209 Reply by Zarban

(313 replies, posted in Off Topic)

insideoutcast wrote:

Next, Top 5 war cries.

  1. Geronimo! (Geronimo, US paratroopers)

  2. Yeeeehah! (US cowboys)

  3. Andale! Andale! Arriba! Arriba! (Speedy Gonzales)

  4. Charge! (US/UK cavalry)

  5. Banzai! (samurai/Japanese soldiers)

Honorable mention: Leeroooooy Jenkins! (Leeroy Jenkins)

Next: Top 5 physical injuries that are kind of cool to get

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2,210 Reply by Zarban

(111 replies, posted in Episodes)

Squiggly_P wrote:
DorkmanScott wrote:

WE HAVE ALWAYS BEEN AT WAR WITH EASTASIA

/surprised Asylum hasnt done 1984 now that I think of it

//its a number and everything

///give it time

EDIT: Silly me, it's still under copyright, for 10 more years. DAMN YOU BIG BROTHER!

No problem. Call it 1985 and make it a disaster movie where the totalitarian government's genetic experiments on rats used for head-cage torture mutate into giant man-eating CG rats that try to destroy the world. And for some reason they have to fight them with a submarine.

BRITANNIA HAS ALWAYS BEEN AT WAR WITH GIANT RATS

WAR WITH RATS IS HYGIENE
SERVITUDE IS PATRIOTISM
SECRECY IS POWER

MARGARET THATCHER IS WATCHING YOU AND YOUR HOUSE FOR GIANT RATS

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2,211 Reply by Zarban

(111 replies, posted in Episodes)

Down in Front wrote:

I DROVE 25 IN A 20, ON A ROAD AROUND THE PLACE

I WILL NOT LET YOU PEOPLE REWRITE HISTORY

Too late. We have already painted you out of the May Day parade photos in Red Square. And in the photos where you were posing with Yuri Gagarin at the Cosmodrome, we have replaced you with a chimp in a space suit.

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2,212 Reply by Zarban

(111 replies, posted in Episodes)

redxavier wrote:

The best effect of the whole movie was the sliced off limb at the beginning.

I guarantee the average viewer doesn't have a problem with the effects. I, who does care about such things and used to read Cinefex, couldn't even tell what Trey was talking about when he said he hastily painted out a lavaliere mike on Boomer in one scene. The problem is entirely with the way the story starts off shaky and eventually collapses in on itself.

I hope Trey and Brian had a lot of fun and that it leads to bigger and better things.... perhaps even a heartwarming story about a young couple's triumph over a giant zombie shark possibly called Night of the Undead Monster Shark. Wait! Wait! 12 Nights of the Undead Monster Shark.

How, um— How exactly does the Asylum come up with its screenplays, fellows?

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2,213 Reply by Zarban

(36 replies, posted in Creations)

Trey wrote:

I love it when a plan comes together.

Speaking of which, Trey has a director's tag now...
Trey "the Amazing" Stokes

And I've tagged this one "kaiju" (because the movie features a giant monster) and "official" (because the commentary features cast and crew).

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2,214 Reply by Zarban

(111 replies, posted in Episodes)

Great work on this, guys! The inside scoop on the Asylum is priceless. I know you don't think so, but the effects shots were actually very impressive (altho I don't understand why Moby Dick didn't look anything like a sperm whale). It's silly not to allow time to edit the thing properly. I'd rather have weak effects and a decent structure (a la Hammer studios) than good-looking schlock. But a film with 4 parallel storylines in the third act smacks of Phantom Menace anyway, so the writer didn't do Trey any favors.

It's too bad the Asylum don't put a little more emphasis on quality, because audiences DO notice and the money WILL stop coming in. With just a pinch of care and all they talent at their disposal, they could produce something that actually hits with audiences and really does change the bottom line.

Film makers saw that with westerns, which were made by the wagon load in the 30s and 40s, and mostly stank. Then A-picture producers started making good ones, and the schlock was driven out (well, into sci fi, actually) in 50s.

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2,215 Reply by Zarban

(36 replies, posted in Creations)

Trey wrote:

Surely in the history of Zarban.com, there have been few, if any, movies that have had TWO commentaries appear online within the first week of DVD release.

Other than Avatar and Twilight and also New Moon, no.

Also, Tysto's exact words of praise for Seahawk Co-Pilot are, "Uh-oh—whoa—heyo! We just about lost a helicopter! [pause] That other guy was awfully calm. That helicopter co-pilot was like, 'What are you doing? Are you—wha?—oh, did we almost crash?'" And then, very quietly under his breath, almost obscured by the tape hiss on the cassette: "Goddamn, he's a handsome devil."

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2,216 Reply by Zarban

(36 replies, posted in Creations)

Brian Finifter wrote:

How bout that Seahawk copilot, huh? Oh yeah.

Well, what is there to say? It's really a movie about a Seahawk copilot that gets involved in the hunt for a submarine that is involved in the hunt for a giant whale.

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2,217 Reply by Zarban

(36 replies, posted in Creations)

Is done. Will post by 11 PM Eastern on Tysto.com.

Video is available here, altho it's awfully low quality.
Tysto's 2010: Moby Dick commentary

And I must say, the film was extremely disappointing in how terrible it wasn't. Sets, CGI, acting, directing... all terrific.

But what the hell—no subtitles?!

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2,218 Reply by Zarban

(2,061 replies, posted in Episodes)

Brian Finifter wrote:

Blueshifted.

I got blueshifted one time in college. Couldn't walk straight the whole next day.

Brian Finifter wrote:

When it's coming toward you, it's a blueshift because the waves are getting shorter.

Yep. That's what she said.

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2,219 Reply by Zarban

(36 replies, posted in Creations)

Okay. He tried Tiny Chat, but his Internet connection doesn't seem to be reliable enough. It keeps dropping out and forcing him to re-enter. He had similar trouble with Skype yesterday, doing a trans-Atlantic commentary with the Doctor from Speakeasy. Very frustrating... aaaccording to him.

Looks like it will be a regular live-to-tape commentary, a la Sharktopus and Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus.

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2,220 Reply by Zarban

(36 replies, posted in Creations)

You mean on something like Justin.tv? No, but maybe he could look into doing a Tiny Chat broadcast.

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2,221 Reply by Zarban

(36 replies, posted in Creations)

The DVD just arrived by bonded courier. My close personal friend Tysto will do a first-viewing commentary tonight.

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2,222 Reply by Zarban

(24 replies, posted in Episodes)

That's a detention, slacker, for you and your beatnik friends.

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2,223 Reply by Zarban

(24 replies, posted in Episodes)

Thanks for the commentary, guys. I really liked this movie and Charlie Kaufman  in general. My only objection is that his characters always seem to be miserable people with severe personality disorders* and hygiene problems who I'm not sure even deserve happiness. That's always interesting but hard for me to connect to on a personal level.

* I loved that moment when you're analyzing, like, what is wrong with Joel that he just can't throw caution to the wind and be in the moment at the beach house when in fact Clementine has just committed a felony for no reason and dragged him into it.

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2,224 Reply by Zarban

(1,019 replies, posted in Episodes)

I'm confused. Amazon says the DVD is already available. It even has two reviews already. Is there an official commentary on it?

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2,225 Reply by Zarban

(313 replies, posted in Off Topic)

I haven't heard either, but I was just about to say that I can't imagine anyone even bothering with any other version if there is one available read by Stephen Fry. The man is godlike in voice and skill.

Then I went to YouTube and looked up this Jim Dale fellow and watched him read a passage from Winnie the Pooh.

Jesus. I've got tears. His voice is like a fuzzy blanket on a chilly night at grandma's in the rarely-used upstairs bedroom with wood floors.

/man crush

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