So, production starts next week! There's still room for editing the script, but I have to get my sister in to record before she heads to South Africa, or wait for six months. So, gotta finish the script polish soon.
It's not DONE done, but this is the best I can get the script without some meaty feedback. I need fresh eyes.

Here's a link, for anyone interested in helping out:
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1GU4 … sp=sharing

A link to the next episode is at the bottom of each document.

I appreciate any feedback. Detailed, general, or whatever: this project needs to be good, and criticism is necessary to achieve that. So gimme both barrels. I can take it. (One distinction: if you have a question, feel free to ask, but clarify whether you're just curious or if you think that question NEEDS to be answered in the script)

I would especially appreciate feedback from anyone slotted to actually record a character: Boter, BDA, and Teague. I know you're all busy, so no pressure, but if you can make notes, I'd appreciate it. (Also, feel free to back out on the recording if you have to. I'll figure out new actors:)

Last edited by Writhyn (2017-01-10 15:10:31)

I got four episodes in before I needed to stop.

I'll start over and try to come at it with fresh eyes, but before I do that: can I please have a breakdown of who these characters are, what their genders are, what their ranks are, and how they relate to each other? That sort of thing is often included in a big complex script like this, and those details are generally re-enforced by direction within the script throughout; here, I just kept reading while being confused. I didn't quite realize how big/long/complex this project was going to be — full disclosure, in my head it was "just" gonna be a one-off radio special — so when I discovered there was a part two, I figured it was the second half. Then when I found out there was a part three, I figured it was the third act. Then when I found out there was a part four, I became suspicious that there were just going to keep being more episodes, and at the end of part four I started skipping ahead to see how long this story actually was, and by that point I realized I was only halfway through it but maintaining no clear sense of who these people were. (A state of not-quite-cleardom that I only rolled with because I kept thinking the story was almost over.)

I'm not gonna jot down any actual review-y thoughts yet, because I'm not sure how much of this I've been interpreting correctly — for instance, I started writing this post when I realized I actually had something wrong that I had previously fixed because I had previously had it wrong too, so for all we know I might be reading a completely different story in my head — but, just so you know where I'm at generally, this shit is definitely exciting and impressive, and I'm excited to be a part of it.

In the meantime, I'll try to give a two-sentence blurb on each from having read it through myself. I'll throw my personal conjecture into parentheses. I suppose this lets Writhyn know how clearly some of it comes across and if any of it needs clearing up.

Conlin / Control: [M] Captain of the MRS Hyacinth.

Blue: [F] Con's sister. Used to be on the Hyacinth's crew but has since gotten her own ship. Has returned to the Hyacinth for this one expedition. Not happy with how fast Con and Finch have grown close. (Maybe feels like her spot on the crew, and as his confidant, has been replaced?)

Finch: [F] Crew, Hyacinth. Con's girlfriend (wife via shotgun wedding?).

Grimm: [M] Crew, Hyacinth. Especially good friends, if somewhat antagonistic, with Argus.

Argus: [M] Crew, Hyacinth. Ditto to Grimm. "Those two guys" sorta dynamic.

Dreadnought: [M] Prospector, not part of the Hyacinth's crew. Vouched for by Finch, at least somewhat untrusted by the rest. Younger than the rest of the crew.

Eric Temple: [M] Captain of a ship operated by a rival corporation. Has captured and is attempting to ransom the MRS Corvus and her crew. (Note: If not cast yet, is a perfectly gender-neutral part.)

Ember: [F] Captain of the Corvus, good friends with the Hyacinth crew.

Station: [M] The Hyacinth's contact with "Corporate". Plays the party line of caring about money and not people. (Note: Also gender-neutral. I forget if multiple people respond as "Station" over the course of the series, so might be multi-cast.)

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1kL8 … sp=sharing

Here's a link to what the hell's going on with this story and its characters. There's a lot of stuff in here that isn't (and doesn't need to be) in the script itself, but it should help put faces and context on everything.

Alrighty, just made it through it — the cast and world stuff helped a lot, so thanks for that.

Damn, man. This is just absolutely impressive as fuck. Well done. I'll need to turn it over in my mind some more, and there might be some dialogue bits I'd have an opinion about if I went back through it again, but generally... just, bravo. This is really amazing. I'm all in; for voice stuff, sound editing stuff, music, whatever you wanna do — I'm happy to do a buttload of work on this thing.

Might do some concept art in the meantime.

https://goo.gl/photos/DhRu5xnDPWEVXwCe6

Here's a link to my sketch of a typical MRS. Overall dimensions of the engine arms should be a bit more symmetrical than I was able to hand-draw, but you'll get the idea. The "Crew quarters and Ops" section could probably afford to be 2 or 3 times longer, to account for fuel storage. Whatever works.
If you have any questions, guys, lemme know.

EDIT: I probably can't give you a hard answer on scaling, but it's big. My rough mass estimate is a little heavier than the biggest aircraft carrier.

I'll paste the basic description of an MRS' operations here:
"The Hyacinth itself is above 400,000 tons (a bit heavier than an aircraft carrier), and capable of extracting and hauling a great deal of semi-refined ore. It resembles a gigantic hammer, with the ‘handle’ turned toward the surface of whatever asteroid it is working on. A thick tether runs from the bottom this handle to the surface.
Ordinarily the ship runs with a crew of 50 or so people, but for this secret mission, it is running on a skeleton crew of 6. This is possible mainly because the mission is a simple deep-scan operation that would ordinarily be performed by a dedicated (much smaller) vessel.
The basic operation of an MRS is to send crew members to drill to and plant explosives in deposits of ore, blasting the material into small chunks. A massive net (extended from the ship’s ‘handle’) funnels the rock into the ship, where it is sorted and blasted in levels called “smithies,” which can be detached once at capacity to serve as ore containers for transport."

Last edited by Writhyn (2017-04-28 17:59:53)

We discussed this a while ago. If Teague is down for the modeling of the ship, then I'd be happy to create some sort of realistic environment rendering (such as a looping shot of the asteroid situation to use as video support for the episodes).

I'm poking at it.

Status update: poking has not waned.

Click to enlarge. Each quadrant is 1920x1080.

Here's the Missus. This model needs some revisions, design-wise — stuff where I misread (or mis-remembered) the sketch — and it hasn't really been textured or anything, but. Ship! Once I get the main adjustments built in, I'll make an .obj available for anyone to mess with / expand upon.

Hey, gents. So I'm halfway done with the last character recordings (Grimm). I did two and a half episodes yesterday, so I'm pretty sure I can get him done and edited in by sunday.

Next stage: sound. Lots of ambient spaceshippy stuff, along with clicks and beeps and radio interference.
If anyone is interested in giving a listen before it's fully, fully done, I'll send out a version with the basic radio/dialogue/ambience for feedback when the time comes.

RE: Art
Teague is working on getting the Hyacinth model updated, although it's already 90% there just in his upload above. Saniss has volunteered to help with the art once we have the OBJ files.

Which brings me to one more thing: I'd like a model for the "shuttle" that features later in the story. That's a thing that I simply cannot do myself.
If Saniss, or anyone is able to design something, I'd really appreciate it. It'd be nice to have it available for art later on. Let me know if you're interested. It'd be a fairly simple vessel, much much smaller than the Missus.
As in all your gracious help, I won't be able to pay you (unless the optional donations on the end product yield a lot of money, in which case I will happily tip all you fools!)