The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug

Hoooooboyo. This fuckin thing. Too start I will say, I didn't pay to see this, and I was (forcibly) dragged to see this by my family (who also did the aforementioned paying). I was fully set on not seeing this thing for a very very long time. I pretty much unilateral hated everything about the first one. I've ranted on that often, so if you've been around you've probably heard most of my arguments, short short version: The Hobbit completely failed, if it was even attempting in the first place, to set itself in the same universe as the Lord of The Rings, it is functionally a different universe, the laws of physics are different, the entire world treats itself like a cartoon, and on top of all that the story is just generally a clusterfuck of trying to cram in way to much shit. It's just horrible and damn near unwatchable, at least without my eyes permanently afixing themselves in a rolled back position.

Now. The Desolation of Smaug.

I didn't...hate it. I did not loathe every second in which I sat in that theater. So in that respect it has already surpassed my expectations. in fact there were several instances in which I actually found myself to be enjoying it.

I will say, it certainly feels far closer to be in the same universe as LoTR, there are only a very few brief moments in which the laws of physics break entirely in the ways the first one seemed to have a fetish for doing every 2 minutes. Tonally I think this one is a lot closer to the argument that people kept trying to cram down my throat about the first one. That being: Well it's a kids book so obviously it's going to be a lot less serious. DoS, I think manages to capture that idea without completely sacrificing the structural integrity of the universe. Personally I would say the perfect example of this is Stephen Frys character, the Master (Can't remember his actual title) of Laketown. Which btw, had no idea Fry was in this thing, made me very happy to see him. He's just this glutunous, bumbling, incompetent official (in a lot of ways he reminds me of the characters he plays in the various incarnations of Black Adder). He feels like this very broad, humourous sort of character, but he still feels like he lives in this world. It's just that this part of that world is a little less grim, and overwrought by darkness than say a similar sort of situation we see in Edoras in LoTR. Also just in the design of Lake Town itself, which I LOVED, it feels really rickety and kind of steampunky without divulging into cartoon proportions. There are more examples I could go into, but I think you get the idea.

Side note, I was totally getting PoTC flashbacks with Orlando Bloom running around port roy- Lake Town.

On the subject of things I really enjoyed, Smaug himself. Wow. Just wow. He looks spectacular. His performance is amazing, the rendering and shading on him is absolutely perfect, he looks real, so much more impressive than the playdough dragon we go in the trailer. Which btw, the shot we got in the trailer of Smaug rounding that pillar with Bilbo is actually seen in ring vision in the final movie, which to my mind makes me wonder why they put it as it was in the trailer at all? I almost wonder if it was intentionally left slightly playdoughey because they knew it was going to be smeared up with ring vision at the end. Just kinda made me wonder. Anyways, all that being said, Cumberbatch could have easily been replaced with anyone and we would not have noticed a difference. his voice was so completely effected that I honestly couldn't even tell it was him. Listening really really hard I could pick out a few brief spots where I could just barely pick him out of the effects, but it was at the point where it didn't even make a difference. Don't get me wrong, the performance is great, but it could have been anyone underneath all of the effects. The same goes for the performance, the fact that they managed to make Smaug talk without it looking totally weird is awesome, but outside of that it was just a dragon, I couldn't pick out any discernible Cumberbatch-ness to it whatsoever. (Granted: it might come through more on a repeat viewing, but as it stands, not so much)

On another note, fuck those spiders man. Just fuck them all. Uuuuuuugh.

The orcs this time, while you can still tell they're all digital if you look closely, do look a lot better this time. Although that doesn't change the fact that they're still all fucking digital.

As far as the rest of the movie, it's still pretty much a mess story and pacing wise. The movie rushes around at breakneck speed, we get almost no introduction/time with Beorn (spl?...the bear dude) other than exposition exposition exposition gtfo. (Plus, can I just point out, according to the film grammar that was being thrown at me, they ride those horses like 100 feet and then get off them, gee great job guys). But then later they s[pend like 5 minutes on a conversation with Tauriel and... I can't even remember his name, the cute dwarf let's call him, that goes almost no where and only serves to set up their romantic relationship, which is only an excuse to have her stay behind to help heal him, which is only an excuse to have Legolas get the shit beat of him. The pacing is all over the map, I think it really could have done some good to pull some time out of a few of the action sequences (The barrel sequence omg, just make it end) and put it into some character stuff.

I also discovered a really fun drinking game. Take a drink every time the Mirkwood elf king says a cliche bad guy line. You'll be plastered by the time we leave Mirkwood. It was getting painful.

Other random things. I didn't mind Radaghast in this one, he's only on screen for about 90 seconds of screentime, so that probably helps, and even then he still has some stupid business with the birds that kinda pissed me off.

While I say that the movie feels much more grounded visual, it does still feel VERY digital, because well, it is. With every passing minute I found myself missing the visual tone and feel of LoTR more and more. Not just the lack of minatures, although yes, but as time goes on I just can't can't stand this digital look, it makes everything feel fake, even the stuff that is real. It feels some backwards attempt to make everything feel more real by making it clearer and sharper, but all it does is make it feel fake.

I love the design of Lake Town. Absolutely adore it.

Is it just me or does Orlando Bloom have a much more rectangular head than he did in LoTR? He looks like a brick, it's bizarre.

All in all, I like this movie much more that I did AUJ, if the third one improves upon this one as much as this one did on AUj we might amost be back up to the level of LoTR. I liked parts of it, and as a whole the movie didn't make me want to incarnate it into human form just so I could strangle it to death. Take from that what you will.

On a side side side note. Seeing the Godzilla trailer on the big screen was an absolutely glorious thing to see, that movie looks like it's going to be beautiful in all the right ways.