Thanks so much, man. I don't know what to say except thanks.

(Also, thanks for volunteering to post. I really don't want folks to feel like they can't chime in on the horseshit just cuz it's blog-seeming; it's not a blog, it's a thread.)

(anyway, I'mma keep posting in bursts, possibly multiple times per day)

--

EDIT: and, lol

Good to see you in the words again!

Dood. Existence.

I keep typing things here and then deleting them because they all seem like projection.

I'm here for this.

Carry on.

We're all here to listen, Teague, and to let you know that what you've been through, we've all been through in some form or another. We all understand. An example? I moved back in with my parents after having lived alone post-college for some number of years. And then we had a house fire and I stayed with them even longer. The stigmata around that, I learned, is only a stigmata. I look back at that time fondly now, because I wouldn't be where I am today without it. And I imagine in 30+ years time, I'll really miss that time with my parents and wish it might have been a bit longer than it was. Being in your 30s isn't easy; it's like being in your 20s without the shine-on-life that cocoons you from the existential dread of "what am I doing" and the fragility of mortality of realizing those around you won't always be around no matter how hard you love them.

All that said, it sounds like you've made some really big self-discoveries lately. They're hard to make, and sometimes the consequences of them in the near term really screw with you and hurt. But in the long term, I think you'll be better off. If your PMs are open, I can go into a big more depth; it's something I don't really talk about publicly, but I am happy to share.

tl;dr: We're all here to support you, mate.

You're good here T. (((Teague)))
Stop trying to tell us, and tell us.

What all they said. Spill the Teague.

I'm not entirely sure what new information that post gave us, but I really enjoyed reading it. What's that about?

Which in turn reminded me of this, a tangent from a tangent that may, because geometry or... something, lead us back somewhere almost but not quite relevant.

"Backstage here, you can just relax and be yourself."

"But that, you see, my dear Kermit, would be altogether impossible. I could never be myself."

"Never yourself?"

"No. You see, there is no me. I do not exist."

--Kermit the Frog and Peter Sellers

There was a good while there where I thought that in order to "follow the will of God" (we can unpack THAT idea some other time) I should just do literally whatever I wanted to do at the moment... since that was obviously The Plan... and because I had done it, it had to have been The Plan.

It was a weird headspace to be in and I somehow I survived in it for, like, 6 or 7 years there.  I was basically untethered from any life goals of my own.  Sounds like a cool story where I repair a motorcycle and become Interesting, but was mostly just a lot of getting super wasted, blowing off commitments, chasing Get Interesting Quick schemes, and just in general trying to avoid responsibility for... anything?

Not conflating our backgrounds, just to say that, since that period began to wrap up I've been more than little obsessed with figuring how the hell I ended up there, and what I'm supposed to do with all the bizarre skills, habits, and literal stuff I picked up along the way.

Pulling my head out has been... Weird.

I've gotten better at understanding a pointless universe from a rational frame, but the Other one keeps whispering, "but what if it turns out that's not good enough?" and "what if the next time you wonder what's next there's just nothing left?"

And my brain is like, "ooooh! Better worry about that for the rest of the day and every day after that."

Point being, I also (accidentally) FORMAT C’d my life goals and have been reading man pages for days trying to rebuild the main boot record…

Now you. You do the thing.

EDIT: I have a pre-socialmedia parasocial relationship with… er, all y’all mostly.

@Teague, you keep bouncing high enough on the RL trampoline of InternetPeopleWhoBecameReal in my life to make that relationship REALLY CONFUSING.

#notyourfault #notyouitsme #IsItWeirdToRunAFanSiteForYourLife #definitelynotforgetiasked

Seems you can't even get through describing your own inner turmoil without other folks jumping in to share theirs. Kids these days with their emotional vulnerability and openness to reflection...

The intent here not being to detract or less your experience, but to show that you're not alone, and that we listen and understand.

__

I failed initial officer training last year, due to a number of reasons (well sure, it was *last year*, everything then had a number of reasons), but the one with the largest lasting impact on me was that I wasn't sure if it was actually a goal I wanted to achieve.

'Success' would mean commitment to a role that I didn't think I'd excel in, and 'failure' would mean potentially finding somewhere I would fit better. It's hard to be motivated to 'succeed' under that mindset. Sure, I had the qualifications and experience necessary, but my passions lay elsewhere.

I was given a second chance, and passed on the second go around, but the doubts from that first failure still linger. It's probably at least once a month where I think 'Why am I trying so hard to do this if I think I'd be better off elsewhere?'

That being said, it's probably more often that I think either 'it was worth it', or less optimistically 'while not perfect, this is the best achievable outcome'.

To put it into other words, just because there are some days where I have an answer to give to the little voice saying "What am I supposed to be doing?", doesn't mean that it stops asking.

__

From the description you've given us so far, Teague, it seems like you're looking back on things from a place of acceptance - of looking at the aftermath of the storm rather than holding the hatches shut against it. Though I may just be some kid who liked your podcast a decade ago and should rightly hold no importance to your mental wellbeing, I still want to say that I'm glad you're able to put these feelings into words in a way that's causing good and not harm.

Take your time, write what you need to, write what helps you. If you get a few posts in and decide that it's better for this experience not to be recorded, well, you can always delete the thread

Kia kaha