There was a good while there where I thought that in order to "follow the will of God" (we can unpack THAT idea some other time) I should just do literally whatever I wanted to do at the moment... since that was obviously The Plan... and because I had done it, it had to have been The Plan.
It was a weird headspace to be in and I somehow I survived in it for, like, 6 or 7 years there. I was basically untethered from any life goals of my own. Sounds like a cool story where I repair a motorcycle and become Interesting, but was mostly just a lot of getting super wasted, blowing off commitments, chasing Get Interesting Quick schemes, and just in general trying to avoid responsibility for... anything?
Not conflating our backgrounds, just to say that, since that period began to wrap up I've been more than little obsessed with figuring how the hell I ended up there, and what I'm supposed to do with all the bizarre skills, habits, and literal stuff I picked up along the way.
Pulling my head out has been... Weird.
I've gotten better at understanding a pointless universe from a rational frame, but the Other one keeps whispering, "but what if it turns out that's not good enough?" and "what if the next time you wonder what's next there's just nothing left?"
And my brain is like, "ooooh! Better worry about that for the rest of the day and every day after that."
Point being, I also (accidentally) FORMAT C’d my life goals and have been reading man pages for days trying to rebuild the main boot record…